Shadows
by Elmo13
Summary: He laid her down on the bed and started to turn away before hesitating, a strange feeling creeping into his cold, calculating heart. He allowed himself a moment to look at her. She was peaceful, her breathing steady, so different from the feisty warrior provoking him not an hour before. An unwanted thought wiggled its way into his brain: beautiful. Reylo. Now rated M.
1. Promises

Shadows Definition of dark: devoid or partially devoid of light. Can true darkness survive around a blinding light? What if all that you're left with are shadows?

 **AN : Starting with the interrogation scene but diverging from there. Kylo never removes his helmet in this interrogation. The Resistance is not threatened by Starkiller base for now, the First Order has to recharge it before firing again, and they don't know where the Resistance is. Finn is desperate to get Rey but Poe convinces him that he can't go alone. First Star Wars fic, huge Star Wars fan since childhood, but never shipped a SW couple like this before. Review please. In this fic, they are not related. Period.**

 **Music I recommend if you're in love (like me) with Kylo Ren/Ben Solo. I literally stumbled across 2 songs today that sparked this story to life: Unsteady by Ambassador and I'll be good by Jaymes Young.**

"You're nothing but a coward in a mask," she spat at him, concealing her fear behind a passionate bravado. Deep inside, she was trembling. No doubt that the monster standing in front of her was going to torture her for information before killing her. Dying was in fact the best option. The real tragedy would be to die after revealing her secrets and betraying her friends. She was terrified to be weak at the end after she'd thrived all her life on being strong. She'd been fearless until now, but a strange energy emanated from her captor, and she couldn't quite place or recognize its source. Fear had flexed its icy tendrils around her heart ever since she'd laid eyes on the masked man in the Takanodai forest.

He stared at her from behind the mask, or, more accurately, that's what she assumed he was doing.

"I can take whatever I want from your mind, desert rat, I don't need to take off my mask." The synthetic voice was snide, mocking her by its aloofness, like she was nothing but an insect to him.

She braced herself as he raised his hand towards her face, but, to her surprise, he didn't strike her. Instead, the strange pull of an invisible power wrapped around her brain and pressed harder and harder on her mind. _He's using the Force again_.

Her thoughts, her memories, became slippery. They dripped away through a crack in her brain like sand through an hourglass. Slow but incontestable, her enemy probed around her mind.

Her name was Rey. _Rey,_ he thought, liking the sound of it. It suited her. She'd lived most of her life on Jakku, picking up trash for scraps, waiting for a family that had most likely abandoned her. Whoever they were, they weren't coming back.

"Lonely," he whispered, no longer sounding unkind. "So incredibly lonely," he repeated, his slow words betraying genuine surprise. A raw loneliness oozed from every crevasse of her brain. He was shaken. He hadn't expected to find an echo of his own soul inside this scavenger's mind. _Snap out of it_ , he admonished himself. He wasn't in there to get to know her but to find the map.

He concentrated harder, but, as he came close to unravel her mind, his defenses went down in premature glee.

An opening in his mind stretched in front of her, as clearly as she could see his dark form, and she pushed in. She didn't know what she was doing, didn't know how it was possible, but she could hear his thought mingling with hers.

His mind was a storm always brewing anew. A tepid but unshakable fear ruled supreme amounts the flood of emotions. The man was scared to disappoint his master, weary of his allies' possible betrayal, terrified he'd fail to be as strong as his idol. So much fear, so much anger, so much… regret swirling around inside this monstrous, impenetrable exterior.

"You're afraid," she said in jest as the assault on her mind came to a halt.

His eyes widened behind the mask as he considered what she had done and his inability to stop it. "What are you doing? Stop."

The thick menace made her shiver.

 _Yes, let's get him angry, if he's angry enough he will kill me, and I won't betray anyone._

"You're so afraid," she laughed, thinking how ridiculous it was that the black demon lived with so much fear hidden inside.

His temper flared as she mocked him. "Shut up""

Emboldened by her success, Rey squinted hard and tried to push into his mind again.

 _No, this can't be. She's nothing but a lowly scavenger. How can she be so strong with the Force? I must not let her affect my concentration. Wait, is she doing it again?_

The flow of thoughts was interrupted by a strong current coming forth in his mind. Like a giant wave, it grabbed everything in its wake and expelled her from his head violently. The whiplash gave her a dulling headache, and black spots muddled her vision as Kylo Ren exited her cell.

 _Well, that's new,_ she though as the painful pounding of her heartbeat at her temples made her wince.

 _The girl is strong with the Force,_ Kylo Ren repeated, trying to get used to the thought.

It was inconceivable but true all the same. This dessert scum was untrained, unpolished, unknowing, but she was strong. Entering his brain like that, invading his head with no clue of what she was doing… It was impressive. He went to Snoke with the news and grimaced at the answer his master gave him.

Snoke wanted him to seduce the girl to the dark. The dark Sith wanted her to ask to be trained and hoped she'd give up her secrets about the Resistance willingly.

Ren didn't dare to share his opinion with his master. The plan was dangerous.

 **She** was dangerous. He sensed so much light in her, despite her inexperience, and he wasn't sure turning her could be done.

 _Don't be stupid, she will bow before us before long, she is not as strong as the Dark side. No one can resist it for long,_ he reminded himself. A wicked smile tugged at the corner of his lips at the thought of her bowing before him broken and obedient. _Yes,_ he thought, _my master is right, this is going to be a most delectable victory._ Extinguishing her light would be his final test, his last step towards the dark. _I shall enjoy every minute of it_ , he promised himself.

With that promise in mind, he marched to her cell and opened the door.

She was drifting off from exhaustion and wasn't quick enough to fight his compulsion to go to sleep. Everything around her went dark.

He unfastened her bindings with his mind, gathered her up in his arms once more, and transported her to her new quarters. He laid her down on the bed. He almost turned away but hesitated as a strange feeling crept into his cold, calculating heart.

He allowed himself a moment to look at her. Her features were peaceful and her breathing steady. Such a stark contrast from the feisty warrior that had provoked him an hour before. As his gaze roamed her face, an unwanted thought wiggled its way into his brain. _Beautiful._

For a second, he was tempted to touch her; to remove his black glove and touch her cheek, skin to skin. The unfamiliar impulse made him frown, and he squashed it immediately. _There will be none of that_. _She's not here to be_ _ **touched.**_ _She's to be broken, used and discarded._

Rey woke up in a different world than the one she remembered fainting into. She was lying on a bed, in a sleeping quarter. She rubbed her cold painful hands together, trying to warm up, and spotted two shiny metallic contraptions decorating both her wrists. Her brows furrowed. They looked like handcuffs but weren't bound together. They were light, not uncomfortable, and kind of fancy. She glanced around, her heart not daring to hope that maybe, just maybe, she had been rescued while she was unconscious.

Any hope she had quickly turned to horror, her pulse quickening as she spotted the vertical bars about 30 feet on the other side of the rudimentary bed. _No, this is a cell alright._ She got up and walked to the bars. Her knuckles turned white as she grabbed the cold steel with her hands. She glanced back to the bed and refresher in the back.

 _Oh no._ She brought a hand to her mouth to stifle a moan and started to shake uncontrollably. This new prison was scarier, more unnerving than the torture chamber had ever been. Unfamiliar tears stung her eyes, and one dripped on her cheek as a sob escaped her lips. She was in a cage. Trapped, cornered, ensnared. _Helpless._ They weren't going to dispose of her swiftly like she'd hoped. She sank to the ground and hid her face in her thighs, allowing herself a moment of weakness, of self-pity.

 _How long am I going to be here? What will he do to me?_

But she quickly dried her tears and stood up, her eyes lighting up with determination.

One day, it might be the next hour or the next day, or the next month. _Maybe even next year._ One day, an opportunity would come, and she would escape. She was a survivor, a desert scavenger used to rigor, pain and starvation. _Yes_ , she promised herself, _one day_.

She turned toward the door on the other side of the bars before she even heard a sound. Like she'd felt it, felt _him_ coming towards her.

He entered her cage, his dark aura palpable to her now.

"Where I am?" Her tone was curt as she did her best to regain her composure and hide her fear.

"You're my guest," his metallic voice answered, an edge of elation detectable under the practiced stillness.

"No offense, but I'd rather be dead."

Anger rose in him again _. That ungrateful brat._ This cell had been made for her, the regular prison on Starkiller base not really envisioned for long term prisoners. It was as comfortable as she could expect, but she was mocking him anyway, speaking of her death as if it was just another bad meal to chew. He couldn't resist flipping the switch of her special manacles on using the Force.

She flew into the wall behind her, the force of the impact knocking her breath out. Her wrists were plastered over her head and prevented even the tiniest shift in position. Her eyes widened, her false confidence evaporating at the surprising twist.

Without another word, Ren exited her cell, flipping the switch off as he walked away. She was feisty, but she was a child. Oh, he would break her. _One day._


	2. Dreams

**Happy New Year guys, thanks to those who are following my story, and the 2 people that reviewed. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

Rey's compliance to his demands was the stuff Kylo Ren's dreams were made of. But it wasn't happening soon enough for the impatient knight of Ren. She was infuriating, refusing to submit. _That stubborn bitch_ , he thought bitterly as he exited her quarters empty handed like he had done every day for the past month. He was losing his mind trying to understand her. _To find her weakness_ , he added. He had soon realized intimidation was making her close like a clamp, so he'd redirected his efforts towards letting her come to him. But every day, he would be the one coming to her cell and she would rebuff him over and over again. At least, she'd stopped ignoring him about a week ago, choosing to just stare blankly back at him until he was shacking with frustration. Anger was now radiating from his skin, begging for release. She didn't seem to understand that his offer was a great one, that she should be honored to be as Force sensitive as she was, to be on his master's mind at all.

 _I've had enough! Tomorrow— tomorrow I will show her what real power is._

Rey was watching his silhouette disappear, relieved to get a break. Every day, he came to her cell. At first, he would only stay for a few minutes, asking her if she wanted to be taught by him. Every day she would say no. Then, she switched strategies. She started ignoring him altogether. He would come in and she wouldn't acknowledge his presence. She would continue whatever she was doing, unaffected. That infuriated him the most.

After a couple of weeks of lying around all day and eating a reasonable portion of food twice a day she felt her body soften. She forced herself to train physically, not to lose her muscle mass. He would stay longer, probably glaring at her from under his metal armor, knowing what she was doing and why she was doing it. She became increasingly aware of his stare on her as she trained, making her skin crawl. One morning she simply couldn't avoid resting her eyes on him for a second which quickly grew into stealing a glance from time to time and at last she decided to just glare back.

His sullen silence unnerved her but she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of speaking first. She had exhausted her imagination trying to figure out what was under the mask. Horrible scars? Bad skin burns? Crossed eyes? Wrinkles?

She was almost sure he wasn't that old though. She could tell because of how unruly his temper was. Sometimes, she would be able to taste his emotions without even trying. They would roll off of him like strong waves, menacing to engulf him. If he was old, he would probably be better at keeping it in check. _But hey, you never know with a psychopath,_ she reminded herself, not wanting to underestimate him in any way or assume anything about him.

Today, he'd come to see her later than usual, and she was tired. She didn't want to sleep though, not yet. She managed to keep the anguish and fear at bay during the day, but at night…

He was lying in bed later that night, thinking about **her**. She was a puzzle refusing to be solved, plaguing his thoughts, an obsession growing like wildfire; rooted deep in his soul.

He was making no progress. That had to change, and fast.

He'd purposely closed the connection between their minds when he'd realized it went both ways. _I've been a coward not to exploit it_ , he growled inwardly. He was secretly terrified of what she could see if she invaded his head again. Self-loathing crushed his heart at his inadequacy. _She's no match to me, I'm a descendant of a powerful_ _ **Sith,**_ _she's just a_ _ **girl**_ _,_ he repeated like a mantra. An obnoxious, self-righteous, infuriating girl. He could not start thinking of her as an equal. Never.

He sat on his bed, a new found resolve awakening his malice. His intrinsic need to cheat, to manipulate, to control and to kill was pulsating anew in his veins as he drew power from the darkness. He wouldn't allow himself to be weak anymore, to fear his connection to the girl. He would abuse it to serve his dark purpose, he vowed before closing his eyes, looking for the way into her thoughts. He was glad when he found the stream easily, like water flowing down a familiar rift.

From his quarters, he couldn't snoop around her mind as easily as if he was staring straight into her eyes, but he could read her present thoughts and feelings with ease since she wasn't fighting back. Besides, he didn't want her to know he was peeking around in her mind, not yet.

Her melodic inward voice filled his ears, an edge or boredom to it.

 _I wonder if he dreams?_ She considered. _What could a monster dream of? Killing babies?_ She joked, trying to entertain herself to avoid plunging into the deep melancholy that would blanket her almost every night. She was tired of being in captivity, yearning for some air, some action, some change.

The tone of her thoughts distracted him from his true intent.

His eyes snapped opened and his pulse quickened. She was thinking of him. He felt oddly warm at the thought, trying to brush aside the part about him killing babies.

He wondered what she dreamed about, curious to know why she had these thoughts. Maybe there was some reason she was asking herself those questions. He decided to find out. He concentrated on her again, this time staying at the edges of her consciousness, focusing on her breathing, waiting for it to become slow and regular. He waited for a long time. For some reason, she fought the lull of sleep as long as she could, before ultimately dozing off. He attuned himself to her subconscious before entering her dreams.

She was in a dark corridor, being chased by a tall, imposing shadow. She ran and ran, but the shadow always caught up with her. It finally cornered her and a red lightsaber ignited, posed to strike her. She retaliated, stopping the blade with her own right before it was too late. She pushed the shadow away with all her might. The dark form retaliated, its edges becoming clearer and clearer.

 _It's me_ , he realized. He observed them, staying hidden in the shadows. They fought fiercely against one another. The fight was long, extenuating, but he quickly realize she wasn't meant to win it. When she simply couldn't go on anymore, she fell to her knees with a thud. The shadow plunged the blade deep into her, killing her without mercy and she was… glad. He could feel her relief that it was over at last.

He took a deep, deep breath to try and calm his heartbeat.

Kylo Ren basked in sick pleasure at the fact that **she** feared **him**. That every night in her dreams, he killed her. Despite all her defiance, she knew he was stronger than her. He tried to squash the elusive pang of shame, but as the hours went by, unable to tear himself away from all the scenarios in which he was killing her, over and over again, his unease grew. It dawned on him that it wasn't that good. That she would never open up to the Dark side if she feared it so much. Fear was good, but she needed to be fascinated by the power. She had to want to taste it. She had to desire it. He finally couldn't take it anymore and made up his mind to alter her dream. The next time the dream-Kylo was close to strike her down, he made it disappear, taking its place.

He'd figured he would offer her to join him in this form, that maybe it would plant a seed of doubt in her mind that it was what she wanted. Instead, he found himself staring silently into her eyes, her expression melting from resignation to confusion to something else entirely. Hey intent gaze felt immensely… baring. He frowned, disoriented. She had never looked at him this way.

"You're really here," she stated like it was an obvious fact.

"You're just a man," she exclaimed gleefully, a true, luminous smile erupting on her face.

She had never smiled at him. Never. Maybe that's why it took him a second to comprehend what was happening. _Oh, shit._

He stormed out of her mind like a thief caught red-handed, howling loudly into the night enveloping him as he re-entered his body. How could he have been so stupid? So careless? He opened his saber and trashed his quarters in a fit of blind rage. He was trembling with hatred, simultaneously directed at himself and the girl. She had bested him again, that desert rat. She had gotten what she wanted. She had seen his face.

She woke up in a cold sweat, half terrified, half excited. Kylo Ren had found a way to enter her dreams, true, but he wasn't in control. She remembered vividly how he'd appeared without his mask. She'd known immediately this wasn't just a dream anymore. His face wasn't anything she had envisioned. It was young, a bit asymmetrical in a weirdly handsome way, painted by conflicting emotions. His eyes were dark but spirited; full of life, a raging fire burning deep within. Dark locks of hair were framing his features untidily, contrasting acutely with the pale skin of the face he hid behind the mask, never to be caressed by the sun. It made him human to her. He was just a man; a fierce one consumed by evil, but just a man all the same. She could beat him. She **would** beat him.

She waited for him the next day, eager to see him. _No, not eager,_ she convinced herself, more like curious. But he never came. No one did.

That night she tried to focus acutely on the Force, to find a way inside his mind but she felt somehow he was out of reach. She continued to try anyway.

By the end of the week she could sense the storm troopers passing the hallway outside her cell with ease. She knew what they ate for dinner and what their fears were. She tried to enter their minds to control them but failed. She practised every day, knowing her moment was coming. She was going to be ready for it.

 **Please, tell me what you think. : ) Review.**

 **Elmo13**


	3. Whispers

**AN : thanks to my 3 reviewers from last chapter, it means the world to me guys. Chapter 3 is here, and even though there's still a lot of descriptions in this one, I promise you some action soon. : )**

Anticipation boiled up in his body as his starship landed on Starkiller base. The familiar sound of the hatch opening made him rise from his seat. He hadn't seen **her** in two weeks.

He felt cold, he felt hot. His body was itching like a snake was crawling underneath his skin. All because today would be a very special day. A day, if he was being honest, he would likely remember for the rest of his life.

Today he would kill her. No matter what.

That certainty was making his breathing uneven and his palms sweaty. After today, there would be no more **her.** No one to defy him.

He'd been almost relieved when an urgent matter had erupted at the other end of the galaxy, the very morning after he'd invaded her dreams. He'd jumped at the opportunity for some distance; a chance to regain his focus.

Last night he'd conferred with his master after completing his mission successfully. He could sense Snoke was becoming weary of **her** and would soon order him to kill her anyway. By doing it now, he would be one step ahead of his master's wants.

Staying away from her had been the best medicine. He felt like himself again, no longer poisoned by her light. He'd been cold, precise and ruthless on his mission, letting his connection to the Dark side consume him. His success had been complete, re-enforcing his resolve to be rid of her. _No mercy for you now, girl._

He marched directly from his ship to the prison area. He wouldn't wait, wouldn't allow himself to be swayed. Hux probably wanted to hear about his mission, but that vapid uninteresting man could wait.

He could practically see it when he closed his eyes. It would be just like in her dreams, he wouldn't hesitate to strike, to end her in one swift move. He would turn his back on her empty shell without a second glance. He would let the soldiers dispose of her body and wash the stain of her blood from the floor. _And I won't regret it afterwards_.

He entered her quarters with his hand placed on his saber. Elation at the thought of being freed from her presence rose in him. Finally, this would be over with. He turned on her manacles switch, wanting to intimidate her before the end, to see fear and hatred in her eyes. This would fully replenish his strength, and he would stop feeling so fucking weak.

She cried out in surprise at being jolted up unto the wall as he looked at her for the first time in fifteen days. He was totally unprepared for the look she sent his way. Like she was… relieved to see him? The fleeting expression melted into a scowl soon enough, but it unnerved him.

Her now familiar voice invaded his mind.

 _You're here_ , she said telepathically, and he thought she almost sounded... glad.

Rey was anxious to know if he could hear her. She wasn't sure before now her practice had mounted to something but from the way his back stiffened at her greeting, she had her answer.

He was taken aback by her new ability. She really was a natural at this. As much as he would have loved to be the reason her skills were improving, she'd learned this new trick entirely by herself. His resolved waivered for a second and his hand dropped from the weapon. Was it a mistake to end this now, without Snoke's direct approval? Especially if the girl was showing more aptitude with the Force.

She caught his movement, understanding what it meant and a stinging coldness crept up her spine. He meant to kill her today, probably pissed she'd seen his face when he didn't intend her to. Her heart sank in her chest at the realization and her lips trembled, goosebumps appearing on her skin, making her shiver. _No_ , she chastised herself, biting her lips hard. She would not give him the satisfaction to steal even one tear from her. She stared defiantly at him as he closed in on her, entering her side of the cell. Her heart was ringing in her ears. Her chest was now heaving, her breathing ragged as adrenaline rushed through her despite her desire to stay calm, to emote nothing but cold hatred.

He hadn't been that close to her in weeks. He noticed her skin was whiter than when they'd first met, her tan disappearing as the weeks went by. His attention diverted to her hair, loose around her face. He'd never seen her hair this way, it made her look even more like a girl. _Innocent._

Hell, he was leaning in so close now he could even see her pores and smell her scent.She still smelled like sun and sand, like the desert that had sculpted her into the strong, proud and resourceful woman she was. Like a rare flower stubbornly blooming against all odds, despite the scorching sun and blazing heat of a wasteland that had destroyed all the others. One in a million.

Hey stormy eyes were searching his underneath the mask, like she was daring him to end this macabre game. He let his gaze roam over her some more, her resolve to stay brave until the end so poignant, he could practically taste it on his tongue.

 _Why don't you get rid of the mask? Truth is: I would love to spit on your face before you kill me._

Her inner voice reverberate through his skull, a sharp hostility thickening it.

His stomach churned as he contemplated igniting the saber, the impending victory feeling hollow. He'd tried to ignore her magnetic pull, to rationalize it as a need to consume her light, desperate to see it as something evil. Now, he wasn't sure if ending her life would bring him joy. Killing her meant he failed his task to corrupt her. Was giving up a sign of strength, after all?

 _I can always kill her tomorrow,_ he sighed to himself, making up his mind to wait and taking a step back, the tension in his body evaporating. _I wasn't going to kill you_ , he lied, whispering into her mind.

She sensed his change of mood. _Gosh, you're such a bad liar. You want to kill me because I saw your real face,_ she chided, trying to conceal her relief.

It annoyed him immensely that she was right.

 _Why would it matter to me that you saw my face?_ He mused.

 _I know, it makes no fucking sense, but you're still hiding behind the mask, right?_ She mocked, a satisfied smirk appearing on her lips.

Anger rushed through him at her snide words, mostly driving him crazy because they were true. Fuck this! Fuck her! Fuck everything! Oh damn it! Fine.

"Here, happy?" He asked as he discarded his mask, letting it fall to the ground with a thud.

Her eyes widened, surprise registering on her face. She was shocked, but not by his appearance. She could remember his traits as clearly as her own after that dream. His unruly raven hair, his pale skin; his tight jaw. No, it was his voice that shook her. It was different now that it was free from the artificial metallic tones. Undeniably softer. She understood better why he wore the mask; his boyish appearance added to his low silky voice did not amount to a very threatening presence.

She relaxed a little against her restraints as he coincidentally flipped the switch off. Surprised by the sudden freedom, she fell forward and before he could stop himself, he reached out to steady her. She grabbed his arm instinctively. The contact only lasted a few seconds, both of them recoiling at the unexpected touch. She shuddered in revulsion as he caught himself wondering how her skin would feel beneath his bare fingers.

She went around him to put some distance between them, wishing he would leave so she could massage her wrists. They were stinging like hell.

He didn't move to leave though, the atmosphere in the room heavier by the second as she desperately tried not to look directly at him, the energy coming off of him weird and unfamiliar.

 _Where were you?_ She finally asked to try and break the tension.

 _Around. You practiced while I was gone._

 _I did._

 _Does that mean you're ready to be taught?_ His inner tone was detached, she could tell he already knew her answer.

 _Not by you._ She started as she finally relented, their eyes connecting, staring deep into each other for the first time in real life. _Never by you,_ she added, her distaste palpable, her throat constricting in disgust at the thought that these beautiful eyes belonged to the man that would kill her.

 _My Master's patience has its limits you know._

 _I know._

 _I will kill you when he orders me to._

 _I know._ Her lips pressed together, forming a grim line. She knew he would kill her when instructed to. He may have looked like man, but his soul was all black. She knew she must have imagined the hint of regret glazing over his last thought.

To General Hux, spying on their exchange from his newly installed camera screen, it seemed like they were just staring at each other like always. The chatter in their heads was theirs and theirs alone. A secret. A dangerous game.

 **Elmo13**


	4. If and When

**AN : I'm simply obsessed with those two, can't stop thinking about them. I hope you like this one, I'm trying to stay true to their characters as much as possible, but I promise you things are progressing. Also, I pretty much made up my mind about switching to an M rating later on, please tell me if that does not suit you. Elmo13**

Another ten days went by. The small fracture in their heads grew wider, allowing more and more current to pass between them until it was easier for Kylo Ren to speak to Rey through thoughts than words. The beaten path between their minds felt oddly familiar, like it was always meant to exist. She could even talk to him when he wasn't at her side, as long as he was close enough.

He knew he shouldn't allow her so willingly into his mind, even if she could just talk to him and not read his thoughts, but he begrudgingly enjoyed the company. It alleviated the loneliness that had hardened his heart for so many years. He could sense she was battling with it too. She wanted to hate their connection, but a part of her craved it.

He checked on her multiple times a day, ensuring that she was still in her cell. She could sense him doing it and would just taunt him for being so paranoid.

He wasn't naive. He knew she was perfecting her Force-attuned skills to eventually escape. He'd relocated his room near hers and removed all the Stormtroopers and other crew from her entire section of the base, knowing the day where she could manipulate them at will was fast approaching. Only the droids were allowed to deliver her food, unless he did it himself, taking a habit of bringing it to her when he could. He realized his behavior was becoming questionable, that she had not given him an inch to work with, not sliver of hope that she was going to accept his offer soon, if ever. But the task of killing her always seemed to be pushed back to tomorrow.

Hux was looking at him funny when he thought he wasn't looking. His master had specifically ordered no one but Kylo Ren was allowed to see the prisoner and it drove Hux nuts. The envious General was clearly dying for her to be put down. He kept asking about her, and Ren was beginning to think something was amiss. Hux resented his relationship with Snoke deeply. He was destined to never be the preferred choice as long as Kylo Ren lived, and that made him dangerous.

He wouldn't hesitate to strike when the opportunity would arise, just like Rey.

Her impending escape no longer resided in the realm of 'if', but rather 'when' she would make her move. He was ready for it, though he didn't like the possibility of someone else finding her before he did, maybe killing her without comprehending the enormity of the moment.

He laid in bed that night thinking up ways to ensure that wouldn't happen when a little tingling behind his eyes warned him Rey was probing into his thoughts unwelcomed. It forced him to concentrate on locking her out, building the wall back up. It was harder than expected and managed to give him a headache. He didn't know whether he wanted to scowl her for being so annoyingly persistent or congratulate her for achieving something she'd tried in vain all week, but either way he couldn't. He'd had to close the link completely to assure nothing important would spill over. _See what you did? Now you can't even talk to me,_ he wished he could say to her.

He tossed and turned in his sheets for a few minutes, infuriated. Finally he decided he wasn't patient enough to wait until the morning to know what she'd seen in his mind. He got up, putting hastily on a pair of black pants and matching shirt. He took the time to tie his belt around his waist, not wanting to ever be seen without his trusty weapon. The corridors were cold and empty except for the maintenance droids. After all, no one was allowed there anymore. No one but him. He liked that.

She didn't turn around when he came in. She was sitting in a lotus position, facing the opposite wall, like she'd been meditating.

"Are you here to kill me because I managed to read your thoughts?" She asked out loud like he was the most predictable man in the galaxy.

"No," he sulked.

"Then why did you come all this way—" she started, unfolding herself from the floor and glancing his way. She stopped and hid a grin in her hand at the sight of him. _God, how weird is that? He's all disheveled and barefoot, he must have been in bed or something._ She collected herself before continuing: "You could have just as well reopened the connection if you just wanted to talk."

"I can't reopen it while you're being _difficult_ ," he seethed through his teeth.

His penetrating gaze was locked on her, like he was waiting for something. _He wants to know what I saw,_ she realized.

"I heard what you were thinking about," she said proudly. "I assure you: the day I escape, I won't be sloppy enough for anyone to catch me, not even you, and especially not Hux."

His eyebrows furrowed, like he was gauging her. "What else did you see?"

"Nothing, you ruined it," she lied.

Here they were, bantering like they had some kind of twisted friendship. He wondered if she was telling the truth, if that was really all she'd gotten from his mind. He hoped so, annoyed that he couldn't really tell.

The smirk on her face melted as she seemed to pounder something important. She needed to be strong and collected, always in control when it came to him, but the situation was so bizarre, anguish was climbing up her throat, menacing to overpower her. She would die if she broke down now, if front of **him.** She hesitated, a question burning her lips.

She locked eyes with him, conveying with a simple look both a seriousness and vulnerability she'd always hidden in the past before saying: " **If** you catch me, please don't bring me back here."

Captivity was driving her insane, she would dream every night she broke free, only to wake up in her cell in the morning, and it was starting to break her.

He nodded gravely, understanding her meaning, goosebumps rising up his arms. " **When** I catch you, it'll be quick, I promise."

She bit her bottom lip and nodded, pestering herself for asking a favor from him. They both stared at each other in silence for the longest time before he returned to his room.

The next day, he was standing next to Hux and Phasma in front of the fleet, Hux was boring everyone with yet another condescending speech. First Order politics.

Kylo Ren was antsy, calculating when he could get away to check on Rey. Probably not for another hour, and he'd probably need to talk to his master after that. A dangerous thought crossed his mind.

What if it had been her strategy all along? Force him to close the link and escape as soon as he did? What if she was roaming the corridors right now, with almost all the soldiers off post? His imagination was running wild. What would he do if he found her stealing a ship or hiding in the forest surrounding the base? He resented the promise she'd stolen from him last night. She was not the one in control, he was. He needed to be. He would bring her back to her cell if he wanted to, period. But what about afterwards? He would have to tell his master, and Snoke would finally give the order. _One way or another,_ _I won't get to keep her,_ he thought before frowning at his own choice of words.

He ultimately couldn't resist knocking down the wall protecting his mind to find her.

He was immediately rebuffed by the sight of FN-2187 holding her hand in her memory, while they ran away from danger.

Frustration crept up his spine, his whole body stiffening at the image. _Why are you thinking about that traitor?_ He growled at her.

 _Miss me already? I thought I was being too_ _ **difficult.**_ She tormented him, and he reprimanded himself for revealing the rekindled link to her so quickly.

 _Answer me._ He had never had an inkling before that there was someone she was hoping to go home to. He always believed she was as lonely as him and couldn't wrap his mind around the possibility of her being in a relationship with someone, especially not that disgusting traitor. His jaw clenched in anger.

 _You're just jealous,_ she chimed.

 _What?_ She certainly wasn't saying what he thought she was saying.

 _You're jealous of me, because I have friends,_ she clarified.

Friends, right. She missed her _friend_. His anger subsided. He was tempted to retort childishly that he had friends also, but who was he kidding? Standing next to his supposed closest allies, he knew both of them wouldn't hesitate to betray him if it fitted their agenda.

 _I don't need friends_ , he said instead.

 _Everybody needs friends,_ she huffed like he was being ridiculous.

 _I'm not like everybody._

 _I forgot, you're just a big bad monster._ She had taken a habit of calling him that, but this time it wasn't said as if she loathed him. Her tone was light, almost teasing.

He felt it forming on his lips. A grin. He suppressed it immediately, pressing his lips hard together; his features turning into a deep frown.

He admitted he'd had moments of weaknesses before, moments when the light and the dark would threaten to tear him apart. Moments when Ben Solo had stirred in his shattered heart. This was different, he no longer felt pulled **apart** as much as pulled **forward**. Towards Rey. He was stuck in her orbit, her gravity drawing him in. Some part of him wished things had been different between them, but he didn't fool himself. It was way too late for him to be anything but the monster she knew. Too much blood, too much pain, too much death to be redeemed. His parents knew it, deep down, that's probably why they'd never come for him. They had given up on him just like he'd given up on himself. He needed to be purged of all these distorted emotions, to cleanse himself of his humanity, it was the only way to survive in this filthy world. _I made my choice long ago, and we're all stuck with our choices,_ he repeated to himself.

 _You hold me without touch.  
You keep me without chains.  
I never wanted anything so much  
Set me free,  
Leave me be.  
I don't wanna fall another moment into your gravity  
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.  
But you're on to me and all over me._

 _Gravity – Sarah Bareilles cover by Derrick Nelson_


	5. Darkness

**AN: Hey guys, me again, this chapter I'm really nervous about, because it kind of the turning point to the story, and I would really, really like to have your thoughts on it. Also, no one complained about the change in rating, so I'll take it as a good sign : ). Enjoy.**

Rey's routine was pretty figured out by now. In the morning she would use what space she had to train physically. Sit ups, push ups, anything to keep her strength from fading too quickly. When her plain white prisoner clothes would stink in sweat, she'd take a shower. The hot water running down her back would bring her a moment of peace, even if it was unfamiliar to her, not used to the abundance of water. Around noon a droid would come to feed her. Starving herself out was simply not an option, not if she wanted to escape so she'd eat every last drop of the murky soup, grimacing at the taste. In the afternoon she would practise her mental skills, reaching farther and farther out of her cell, trying to cross the perimeter Kylo Ren had inflicted upon her by removing everyone in her vicinity. It was harder to train if she had no one to practise on. In the evening she would eat while tormenting her "guest" with a balanced mix of small talk and recriminations, seeping through his thoughts subtly, trying to learn more about the base, about his schedule, knowing he was the worst impediment to her escape. And at night she would bite her lips not to cry, knowing she still had to wake up to this cell in the morning.

Today was no different yet, but unbeknownst to her, the infernal routine was about to be broken. Permanently. She was meditating, poised and calm, her breaths slow and deep. She'd learned by now that her breathing influenced her abilities a lot, and that she was more powerful when she felt serene.

When her shackled arms painfully yanked the rest of her body up to the wall, her eyes immediately searched for him. He hadn't done that since the day he'd decided to kill her. _What kind of mood are you in now?_ She asked herself inwardly, trying to reach him with her mind.

Learning about her enemy was invaluable. She'd spend hours trying to breach his defenses, hours figuring out the pathways in his mind, but he still was a riddle to her. Unpredictable and unhinged.

Had it finally dawned on him how crazy it was to keep her around? _Have you finally decided to end this?_

How would he do it? Quickly, like he'd promised? Or would it be slow, more personal? She had the impression that she was becoming very _personal_ to him and she'd kind of guessed he wasn't the kind of man to keep his promises anyway. She shouldn't have asked him for a favor, what was she thinking? She bit her lips in shame, knowing she'd let herself forget, for a fleeting moment, how black his soul was.

She prepared herself for another cat and mouse dance, knowing she could maybe manage to change his mind once more.

When the red haired leader of the First Order came into view instead of the familiar black shadow of Kylo Ren, her blood chilled in her veins. Every fiber of her body screamed in alarm, her eyes wide.

She understood from Ren's mind the general was more of a rival than a friend, but he was definitely evil.

"Ah, the lady in question," Hux jeered, advancing towards her, a disturbingly joyful smile on his lips.

She immediately loathed his smile, making him look more like a serpent than a man. She looked behind him to see if by any chance he would make the mistake of bringing soldiers with him, easy preys to manipulate with the Force.

 _No such chance_. He was alone. He walked calmly towards her, closer and closer, his eyes squinting at her like he could not see her clearly.

"Well, obviously **he** sees something in you that I don't," his insipid voice mused.

Her eyebrows raised in question instinctively, but she refused to play his game and ask what he was talking about.

"You see, the Supreme Leader doesn't want to believe me, but I see the way **he** looks at you. I've been taping your little sessions since his return, you know." He looked pleased with himself. "A knight of Ren delivering food to a prisoner! Sneaking in at night to _talk_. Ah!" He said before spitting on the floor, like he was deeply disgusted.

She understood now what he was rambling about: Kylo Ren. _Why is it always about Kylo Ren?_ She rolled her eyes. _Apparently, Hux doesn't like the way I'm treated._ Didn't approve of the signs of humanity that would crack the black armor of Kylo Ren more and more often. She thought it was a ruse, an act meant to gain her trust, but by the look of the crazed man in front of her, she had to wonder. Through her successful but short incursions in Ren's mind, Rey had learned a lot about him. As ridiculous as it sounded, he was incredibly lonely. Even though he possessed the power of the dark side, his life was mostly unsatisfying and empty. _And that's just what he deserves_ , she reminded herself.

Her train of thoughts was cut short when the red devil in front of her reached into his coat and a shiny dagger came into view. She tensed even more, her jaw clenching as she flattened herself into the wall, getting ready to kick him. She'd never fooled herself thinking she could really move enough in this position to kick Kylo Ren efficiently, but this guy was no super powered knight and she was confident she could inflict some pain.

"Don't worry, I will not kill you. Snoke was clear Ren had to be the one to kill you," he explained wickedly, coming closer. She waited patiently for him to lean close enough to get one good kick in. She got his stomach, disappointed to miss his face. He fell back, the wind knocked out of him.

"You bitch!" He hissed in pain.

She smirked proudly.

"Let the droid in," Hux screamed to the room.

The door opened and a short, rectangular droid entered. _What the hell?_ It approached until it was about two feet from her. The metal arms of the droid advanced slowly, and she tried to kick it. It pounced on her at that moment, catching her legs and holding them firmly in place. Two extra manacles appeared from inside the unit, clamping around her ankles, and the droid retreated. Her calves were now stuck to the wall too, her legs barely able to wiggle. She began to panic, bile rising in her throat. Beads of sweat accumulated on her forehead.

"Here, isn't this better?" Hux sneered as he put himself directly in front of her, a couple of inches from her face before continuing: "That way you can behave."

She spat on him.

He grabbed her throat menacingly. "You are nothing but scraps, a scavenger scum from a hideous planet." He let his hold soften and brushed her neck viciously. "I can't kill you yet, but I will bleed you and rape you until you forget your own name." His voice was a mere whisper now, an edge of insanity to it. "When I'm done with you, you will be tainted to **him** forever and he still won't be able to kill you. Then Snoke will know, that I'm the only one who's truly devoted to him. The only one worthy."

She pushed into his mind, thinking maybe he was bluffing. The darkness she found was infinite, a black hole sucking everything in, including her. She trembled at what this freak had in mind, as he resisted her attempts to use the Force to manipulate him.

"Your feeble Jedi tricks won't work on me, you think my master would choose a weak mind to rule his army?" He laughed darkly, pressing the cold knife to her skin.

Fighting in vain against her restraints, Rey tried to steady her breathing, knowing it was probably useless, knowing nothing short of a miracle could help her now. But she had to try. Not really hoping for a rescue but for a swift death. At least that's what she told herself as she concentrated hard on Kylo Ren.

"Ren?" She screamed into the Force. Nothing happened, the connection was stale, dry.

Tears welled up in her eyes. He must be shutting her out. He knew! _He must know! This is a cruel prank, he must know. I'm so pathetic, hoping for this monster to help me. I shouldn't be surprised if he was the next in line to rape and torture me._

When the blade cut for the first time through her skin, she could taste the bitterness of her anger and disappointment on her tongue. Why hadn't he killed her like he'd promised, sparing her this humiliation? She hated him more in that moment than ever before and screamed his name again.

 _Kylo Ren, you fucker, I hate you_

 **Ok, so I'm aware this is a mean cliff hanger, but I promise to post again soon, and in the meantime, please review. Thanks, Elmo13**


	6. Seeing red

**AN: Loved your reviews guys, and loved the song suggestion (Bloodsport), keep them coming.**

Kylo Ren was on the far side of Starkiller base, sitting in the pilot's chair of his ship. Hux insisted he oversaw a shady exchange between the Order and a band of nasty smugglers. Hux was apparently hoping to get some vital information about the Resistance, but from the reputation of these pirates, it was probably a wild goose chase. A waste of his skills, frankly, but he had nothing else to do today and some violence would do him good. He was growing restless, his objective to turn Rey going nowhere and his search for Luke Skywalker on hold until his master decided otherwise.

He halted when the air around him started to vibrate, a mind-numbing buzzing sound in his ears. He looked at the three soldiers behind him, but they seemed unaffected. It was coming from the Force. He waited for a few seconds, wondering what it could be before it subsided completely. He put his hand on the ship's console, dismissing the strange phenomenon and getting ready to fly out of the hangar.

All of the sudden, Rey's voice thundered into his brain, her words dripping with hatred and pain: _Kylo Ren, you fucker, I hate you!_

His entire body froze in alarm, all his senses alerted, and his heart started pounding in his chest. He was so bewildered at the darkness in her voice, he answered out loud. "Rey?"

"Sir?" The Stormtrooper asked, not understanding why the departure had been so abruptly interrupted or why his boss was seemingly talking to himself.

"Shut up," Kylo Ren barked, waiting for Rey to answer.

"But sir?"

He rammed the trooper violently into the nearest wall with his mind, his skull cracking under the impact, effectively silencing him. The other 2 exchanged a knowing look and retreated towards the back of the ship.

 _Rey, what's wrong_? No answer.

He concentrated so hard on her he drew blood from his lips, his teeth digging deep into his skin.

Rey was frightened and furious. Why? He asked himself before stealing one vivid picture from her mind: Hux was holding a knife to her thigh, slicing through her flesh.

 _Fuck._

Of his own volition, his body sprinted into action. He ran hard and fast, ignoring the curious looks he got from the multiple soldiers he crossed paths with, sending to the ground those that were in his way. The closer he got, the clearer the images became, telling him to hurry.

Hux stood in front of Rey, touching her face, a demented smile on his lips. She was flinching violently at the touch but she was trapped. Hux used his knife to cut her clothes in a straight line, from her neck to her navel, running out of fresh skin to cut.

He cursed again. _That bastard, he's not supposed to be in there. He's not supposed to_ _ **touch**_ _her,_ one part of him was repeating endlessly, while the other part was wondering: _what the fuck am I going to do, when I get there?_

Rey's head was throbbing. She didn't know why this image of Kylo Ren running wildly through deserted corridors kept popping into her rattled brain. She thought it would be almost comical, if only it didn't mean she'd gone completely insane. _No one is coming_ , she relentlessly reminded herself.

When the dark figure burst into the cell, each of his breath shallower than the last, she thought he was a figment of her imagination. She looked down, turning away from the apparition.

He, however, couldn't tear his eyes away from her. She was bleeding. Shallow cuts decorated her arms and legs and nausea dizzied him. He didn't think he had ever seen this much red.

She had been crying; a lot. Fresh tears were following the path of the dried ones, leaving a salty trail down her cheeks.

"Ren!" Hux exclaimed in elated surprise, bringing him back to reality as he turned to him. "I'm almost glad you're here for this."

"What the fuck is going on here?" His synthetic voice was trembling with emotion.

"Snoke is done with the girl, so I'm having a little fun with her before the kill," Hux smirked depravedly.

Ren's mind tried to process the words but all he could really see was Rey's blood falling on the floor. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Hux went on: "You know, it's only fair you shared your little whore with the rest of us."

At the implication of his words, Kylo Ren's anger crashed out of him like a tidal wave, engulfing everything in its path. Undiluted rage sizzled in his blood and his entire world caught fire.

"Mine, she's all mine,"he yelled gravely, using the force to immobilize his enemy, crushing his throat, no longer confused.

"I knew it," Hux choked.

 _Please,_ she begged him but he was in no state to hear her. She was ashamed of it, but she was so exhausted, she just wanted to disappear. He opened his lightsaber and she thought: _Yes, please, let it be over._

He couldn't hear anything but the maddening sound of his own heartbeat and feel nothing besides the scorching flames consuming him. He opened his weapon and took a menacing step forward. When he drove his saber into the flesh of the General, shredding him to pieces, a wicked joy twisted his features into a devil's grin. He had dreamed of doing that for so long. His breathing was ragged as he struck Hux again and again until the corpse was nothing but a mess of burnt flesh.

He finally exhaled as his blinding hate found solace in Hux's death, letting his arms fall on each side of his body, his chest still heaving. Without second guessing what he'd just done, he released Rey's hands, grabbed his cape and enveloped her with it, holding her upright. He couldn't bear to glimpse at her cuts for a moment longer. It was all his fault. He threw his helmet on the floor with his other hand. His eyes searched Rey's. They were all wrong. _God._ _Did he?_

She shook her head no and he let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding.

No, Hux hadn't had the time to rape her yet, but she was broken all the same. Her brain was trying to process what was happening, the loss of blood making it hard to concentrate, to distinguish between dream and reality. She still thought she must be hallucinating when the foul scent of the body hit her nose and made it real.

Kylo Ren had just savagely killed General Hux in front of her, the number one of the First Order. She finally admitted to herself what she had been so adamant on denying: there was **something** between Ren and her. She didn't know what or how or even if it was a good or a bad thing but, as she glanced down at the mangled body of Hux, she knew he felt it too. She was losing grip on consciousness, and leaned into Ren for support.

He picked her up bridal style as she fainted into oblivion. Had she lost too much blood? He removed a glove with his teeth and checked her pulse on her neck, relieved to find it steady and strong. He cradled her into his arms and started shaking uncontrollably.

Shit.

Snoke.

He would kill him. No, rather obliterate him; _and_ Rey. He would find out soon, would feel his treachery in the Force. He'd just disobeyed the most basic rule: that he should not care for anything but power. Craving Rey had become his undoing, and faced with the looming possibility that she would disappear forever from this galaxy, he didn't even hesitate to kill for her.

 _Can I spin this?_ He asked himself but he knew he couldn't. There was no excuse for killing Hux to save Rey, no logical explanation. No other reason than his growing **need** for her.

No, he couldn't spin this from here, so close to the First Order's influence, but maybe, just maybe, there was a way to fool his master, to **keep** her.

 _The world was on fire and no one could save me but you  
It's strange what desire make foolish people do  
I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
I'd never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you_

 _No I don't wanna fall in love_

 _No I don't wanna fall in love_

 _No I don't wanna fall in love_

 _With you_

 _Wicked games – Cover by James Vincent McMorrow_

 **Hope you guys liked it, can you guess what he has in mind? Love angry protective Kylo Ren, review if you do too! : )**

 **Elmo13**


	7. Suture

**Hey guys, hope you enjoy.**

He transported Rey to his ship, putting his _disguise_ back on before leaving her prison, not wanting anyone to see him without his helmet and alert Phasma that something was out of the ordinary. Every living soul he encountered scattered in fear in front of him, clearing his path.

His mind was swimming, a haze covering everything but the feel of her weight in his arms.

His ship was a small Sentinel-class shuttle, modified to fit his needs. It had two folding wings on each side, a cockpit with 2 chairs, enough space behind it for about 5 Stormtroopers to sit, the engine room, a refresher and his private room in the back.

He reluctantly set her down on the co-pilot's chair, reclining it as much as he could and fastening the seatbelt. He needed to get out of here and fast. He checked on the supplies the crew had put earlier today in the engine room. _Everything is still there, perfect_.

He sat at his pilot's spot and initiated the lift off. He took a deep breath, his heart torn between fear and excitement. This was incredibly stupid and misguided, but he didn't care, he only cared about how it made him feel. _Free._

He left Starkiller base behind without regret, putting about 3 random systems between him and the stronghold of the First Order before slowing down and activating the autopilot. He needed to check on Rey before figuring out what his destination would be.

He transported her to his bed and laid her down gently, still nestled in the black linen.

He stood up and walked to the engine room, retrieving the medical kit and bringing it next to her. Her heartbeat was still strong, so he decided against a transfusion. He removed her right arm from the cape and started there. The bleeding had stopped, the cuts shallow. Hux really hadn't meant to kill her, just hurt and defile her.

A sour taste in his mouth, he fought to reign in his temper, stifling the blast of fury encircling his heart. He couldn't afford to destroy his ship in a tantrum. He mended to her cuts instead, washing the blood from her skin, disinfecting them one by one.

Her arms and legs were easy, but when he got to the inside of her left thigh, his entire body shuddered and a torching guilt twisted his intestines in knots. This one was nasty, he could tell how eager Hux had been to cut her _there_. It would certainly scar. His fingers trembling, he got a needle and thread from the kit, stitching the gash methodically if not perfectly, focusing as much as he could on his task and not on the fact that she was practically naked.

What was left of her shirt was stained with dried blood, the fabric clotting to her skin. He inspected the rest of her body as diligently as he could manage without actually staring at her, vigorously struggling to keep his thoughts and feelings in check.

When he was satisfied with his work, he threw a clean blanket over her, thinking she would probably prefer waking up with sticky blood all over her than squeaky clean and humiliated.

He returned to the bridge, his plan taking form.

He didn't feel ties with the First Order, it was just a mean to an end. General Hux would be replaced by another cocky face soon enough. The Force, the Dark side, was really the only power he was craving. He could have the Dark side and Rey, Snoke just needed to believe she was dead.

Luke Skywalker had once talked to Ben Solo, back in his other life, about a certain type of planet. The kind that had a specific type of atmosphere that muddied or blocked completely the ability to find someone using the Force. Even to someone as skilled as Snoke. He'd always assumed that the old Jedi had disappeared to one of these planets, often inhabited because of an inhospitable climate. There were many, his old master had said. Maybe he could find one and keep Rey safely on it, away from the wrath of his master. Snoke would probably forgive him for killing Hux, if he thought Rey was dead as well, but would his master even believe him after he vanished for two days? Would Snoke feel his turmoil at keeping this secret? He would be punished harshly at the very least. He guessed it was a stretch, his plan mainly suicidal, but what other choice did he have? He couldn't send her back home, or to the Resistance and her friends. Well, maybe he could, but frankly, he didn't want to. First of all, it would annihilate his chances to fool Snoke, and also… well, she was dangerous now, if he let her loose, who knew what she would say to people in the Resistance about him? It would reach quickly enough the ears of his parents, even if she still had no idea about his lineage. He desperately didn't want them to know he'd done this uncharacteristically un-evil thing. It was better they believed him lost completely and forever. Finally, he knew if he let her leave, he would never see her again, except maybe someday in the battlefield, and he didn't want that. Just the thought of her being trained as a Jedi, for all intents and purposes taking his place amongst the ruins of his family, was making his stomach churn in agony.

Rey's eyes started to flutter, the light seeping through her eyelashes. Her head was pounding, pain radiating from everywhere. She battled with the fog of unconsciousness a few second more before her eyes opened, adjusting painfully to the cold artificial light. Her heart jumped in her chest as she took in her surroundings. A small sterile room with a bed, table and chair. Her memories started to fall back into place and she gasped, her eyes searching for a confirmation of what she remembered. Hux's assault on her body had not been completed, thank god, but he'd still left her some unwanted reminders. She inspected her arms, surprised to see them almost healed already, clean from the blood that she expected to find. She readjusted herself on the bed, crying out at the sharp pain pulsing from her left leg at the sudden movement. She glanced down at the deepest cut, her eyes widening, a nervous hiccup resounding in the silence. The margins were clumsily but effectively stitched together. She blushed furiously, her instincts telling her exactly who had done it. _Oh, god._

She stood up, unnerved, but the world blurred, and sat back down at once.

 _Wow, I'm going to have to take it easy._

She grimaced, grabbing her head in her hand. She noticed how dirty her clothes were and touched her shirt hesitantly, bile rising in her throat at the feel of the wet gooey blood clinging to her chest, trailing between her breasts. She stifled a sob, forcing herself to steady her breathing.

 _Better,_ she said inwardly, calming her heartbeat down too.

Now that she had her bearings, she could tell she was on a rapidly moving ship. She used what little strength she had to scan it. Kylo Ren and she were the only ones on board; alone.

She stood up, slowly this time, putting less weight on her left leg and pushed the button on the door, praying it would open. She couldn't bear the idea of waking up to a new cage. Her prayers were answered, the door vanishing upwards in a sharp 'whoosh' sound.

 _You're awake,_ he whispered to her through the link.

His voice reverberated through her and the blush on her cheeks reappeared. Tears of humiliation reflected in her eyes, she couldn't even fathom how long she'd been out of it, or what could have happened during that time. _He killed Hux,_ she reminded herself, _and everything feels right_ _ **there**_.

 _I didn't touch you,_ he declared crossly.

 _Stop reading my thoughts, you liar,_ she accused him.

 _I mean, I stitched you up, but that's it,_ he assured her, mad that she could think for a second he'd do anything of that sort to her while she was unconscious. How repulsive! Didn't she understand by now that if he was that kind of man, she would already know?

 _Why did you?_

 _What?_

 _Why am I even alive?_

That was the question he had no answer to. _Would you rather not be?_

 _No- I-,_ she mumbled, frustrated and frightened, unable to retort something witty. 

_There's a shower right outside your door, if you want to clean up._

Why was he so nice to her? Why was she even breathing? Her eyebrows furrowed. She tried to figure out if this was a ruse, if this all could be just an act, but she could still taste the burnt flesh on her tongue. Hux was dead all right. But why then? What was he planning to do with her now? Where were they going?

She wrapped herself tightly into the blanket, crossing the distance to the refresher.

She opened the jet of water, making it as hot as she could, her skin screaming under the heat. She forcefully scrubbed the clots from her skin, even if it stung like hell. She desperately needed to feel clean again, but didn't know if it was even possible.

Back on Starkiller base, Snoke's hologram appeared in its usual place, but the person awaiting him was unusual.

"Talk, General Phasma," the guttural voice filled the room, echoing around the walls, making the newly promoted soldier shiver.

"Supreme leader, we have visual confirmation that Kylo Ren killed General Hux and disappeared with the girl."

"Show me."

Snoke looked at the hologram Phasma was holding in her hand. Hux was torturing the girl when Kylo Ren came in and killed him savagely, clearly drawing power from the Dark side of the Force to do so. His anger and hate were tangible in the recording. So far, nothing too serious, Snoke expected Hux and Kylo Ren to ultimately kill one another; it was always meant to end this way between them. However, his lips pressed into a grim line when he saw his young follower cradle the girl affectionately in his arms, unaware he was being filmed. That was an odious incident.

"Bring him to me, bring him at once!" Snoke ordered commandingly. Every second spent away from the First Order, away from his influence would erode the darkness. Staying away for too long would awaken Ben Solo, the sliver of light still present in his apprentice would grow beyond his control. He couldn't allow that to happen, Kylo Ren was too important. Not just as a prized possession, taken directly from the light, from a family so significant. No, he also had a role to play later, and Snoke couldn't afford to lose his hold over him.

"What about the girl?" Phasma asked, not wanting to make any mistake.

"Bring her too, I shall enjoy watching her burn," Snoke snarled joyfully.

 **I'm been really unsure about this, the last 2 chapters writing themselves, this one a bit harder. so please review. Elmo13**


	8. Moon

Hey, guys. Thanks for your comments, I love reading them and there's actually 2 things I want to answer:

I don't think Starkiller base has many cameras. Reason: there were none in the movie either watching on Rey in her cell or catching her escape. Kylo Ren was (in my mind) right to assume he was being recorded during his meetings with Rey. Plus, he had her cell specially made.

Also, Kylo Ren is sort of in denial right now, so I hope this explains the slight problems in his reasoning, but I think it stays true to him as a character: he screws up a lot too in the movie and makes rash decisions.

Finally I warn you there are more descriptions of ships and stuff I know really nothing about, I've been Star Wars obsessed since early childhood, but I usually don't care about the mechanics of ships. I tried to learn more on Wookipedia but I expect I'll be wrong about a lot of things, and if you see something really impossible in there then tell me and I'll fix it as best as I can.

Coming out of the shower, Rey was shivering. The cold air breezed under the blanket and she sneaked back to the small room, acutely aware she was naked under the flimsy fabric. She closed the door behind her, securing the improvised towel around her body. She opened random compartments, looking for some extra clothes. The ones she found were way too big for her, but they would have to do. She used an extra strip of fabric ripped from a long sleeved shirt to use as a sash, holding everything in place. She felt weird, wearing black. It was **his** color. _But better that than a fucking prisoner uniform._

When dark spots stopped dancing in from of her eyes, she decided she was strong enough to face him and went to the front of the ship. He was bent in front of the ship's computer, his eyes riveted to the screen, really engrossed in whatever he was doing. He wasn't wearing his helmet or his gloves, tapping impatiently with his bare fingers on the computer screen, clearly aggravated. His features were so expressive, sometimes she didn't know if we was wearing his emotions, of if they were wearing him. His temper was flailing around his every mood; his actions unpredictable. she was wondering how much of a whim it had been to kill Hux and save her, and how easily it could have gone the other way.

She raised her eyebrows at his apparent lack of attention for her, or what she was doing.

 _Aren't you more worried I'll attack you?_

He didn't even turn around. _You couldn't hurt a fly in the state you're in._

She hid a pout because he was right. She fell faint again, her head swimming after just walking to the bridge. She crashed in the seat next to him, trying to figure out where they were or where they were going without letting him know how weak she really was. Anything to help planning out her next move.

 _How long have I been out?_

 _Thirty hours._ He'd given her something for the pain that also acted as a sedative, but decided not to tell her.

She swallowed back a gasp, keeping her next thought to herself: _God thirty?_ They could be anywhere in the galaxy by now.

 _Where are we going?_ She asked him, putting on her brave face.

 _Wouldn't you like to kno—w_ , he almost choked on his last word as he glanced her way and took in her appearance.

Her wet brown locks were hugging her neck, **his** black clothes hanging loosely around her tiny frame. She was glancing about, acting like the situation was totally ordinary; like she belonged there with him, and it was simply sinful. She met his gaze head on, blinking at him casually.

 _But seriously, where are we going?_

He groaned inwardly, completely thrown aback that she wasn't more freaked out. She'd just been filleted by a knife, damn it.

 _I'm not telling you._

 _Why not?_

His lips tightened, refusing to answer her question. Was she still his prisoner? Technically, yes. How come he didn't want to remind her of that, asserting his power over her? How come he felt like she was the one keeping him hostage? Keeping him from the darkness and Snoke; from his destiny.

He was actually like a kid in front of two different but equally desired toys: unable to choose, desperate to throw a fit about it. His febrile feelings were a tangled mess hovering in his stomach. He used the ship's computer to find a close deserted system that could fit his needs and set the coordinates.

She closed her eyes despite herself, her body greedily demanding rest. She slept in the co-pilot chair for what felt like the longest time, waking up to a change in speed, immensely better. He was fast awake, still crouched in his chair. She extended her mind, following the beaten path to his, making sure she was inconspicuous enough, and just grazed at his thoughts. He couldn't afford to sleep because he was worried about being followed. By now, Snoke knew about Hux. _I need to find a place for her and fast, afterwards I can take a breath and figure this shit out. God, why am I doing this?_

She retreated, knowing if she stayed much longer he would notice. At least she knew for sure now this wasn't some kind of twisted game, he sounded genuinely confused.

They'd arrived in the right system. He scanned the planets and moons using the ship's sensors, looking for the right atmosphere and conditions, finding a suitable candidate rather quickly. Luke really hadn't exaggerated when he'd said there were a lot of them. He chose the tropical moon over the icy desert planet, thinking he didn't want her to freeze to death. What if he didn't come back? After all, Snoke might have him killed. Or maybe he would finally realize how bad he fucked up and succeed in erasing all traces of her from his thoughts. God, this was so insanely difficult.

When the surface of the planet came into view, his mind was reeling. If he was to leave her here for an unknown amount of time, he needed to make sure of three things. She had to have clean water, food to eat and shelter. He didn't even have to lie about the presence of First Order scouts in the area to explain their landing on an inhabited planet, because they were actually there, canvassing the system methodically. Still, he was hoping she wouldn't see right through him.

He also needed to explore the ground a little, so he said:

"As long as we're here, we should get more water, you practically drained our supplies with that long shower. There is a stream there going down the mountain but the trees are too close together to land near it, we'll have to hike."

He landed the ship near a rocky cliff, but close to the forest, thinking this would be a perfect place to build a shelter. It was protected from the winds, dry.

"I'm still a bit weak, can't I just stay here?"

He chuckled darkly: "Yeah, like I'm leaving you alone with the ship."

She narrowed her eyes at him, not moving from her seat.

"Come on, or I'll just carry you," he threatened.

She rose quickly to her feet. "No, it's fine, I can walk."

As soon as she stepped out of the ship, she was struck by the suffocating humidity of the planet, so different from Jakku and the climate controlled environment she'd grown accustomed to. Sweat gathered of her forehead in the matter of minutes, and she wondered how Ren managed to bear the heat in his stuffy black tunic.

They hiked about 2 kilometers from their landing point, through the eerie forest. It was layered by gigantic trees that grew up and up to where she couldn't see and smaller ones, bringing shade to the area that allowed a dark green moss to grow into a thick layer that felt very cushy. Rey's left leg was stiff, but she refused to be carried, and suffered through each step.

When they reached a rocky cliff, they knew they were close to the stream they'd seen from above. They found a little trail going up, apparently made by small animals. The wide stream was the only hole in the canopy, the rays of the sun caressing it. The trees started almost right at the edge of the water and casted beautiful shadows on each side.

Ren kneeled next to the water, submerging a little device that beeped happily after a minute. "It's perfectly drinkable," he declared, filling both 20 liters pouches he'd brought and drinking huge gulps of the precious liquid.

She realized all of the sudden why he was playing this charade. He'd talked about unloading her somewhere, to regain his focus. He needed to make sure she could survive in his absence, and most likely couldn't escape. This was a small inhabited moon, perfect place to hide someone. She made a mental list: yes, she'd seen edible plants, signs of animal life, and now water. He had everything he needed to make this planet her new prison. "I have what we need, we can go back to the ship," he announced.

Her mind scattered to find a reason to stall. She listened to her body, cramping up for real, and showed her exhaustion.

"Can we take a break? I'm not 100% yet and the humidity is killing me," she complained, letting her actual pain surface on her features.

He seemed to hesitate but ultimately nodded in agreement. She removed her boots and sank her feet into the water with a sigh of contentment.

He removed his tunic, leaving only his pants and undershirt on, and she noticed it was drenched in sweat. He was as tired as she was.

She laid down in the moss and closed her eyes. She slowed her breathing, praying that maybe, maybe he would do the same. He hadn't slept in at least two days after all. Half an hour later, she finally asked, her voice soft as a feather: "Ren?" She concentrated hard on his thoughts but they were blank. She figured he'd fallen asleep as well. Her heartbeat quickened. This was her chance. She quietly rose to her feet and searched for some kind of weapon with her eyes. There were small non-threatening rocks and huge ones she couldn't lift. The only thing remotely deadly in sight was his saber at his hip. Could she do it? Use his own weapon? She'd never used one, but it seemed simple enough. She stepped lightly until she was leaning over him.

He looked young, innocent. Dramatically different from the shadow that had hunted her dreams and cursed her days. She begrudgingly admitted to herself she couldn't do this, she had only killed a couple of Stormtroopers in her life and it still haunted her. Also, in a twisted way, she owed him her life.

It scared her, but she kind of could related to his motivations for keeping her alive. The link between them, it was addictive. It had a mind of its own. She thought about what would have happened if anyone but him from the First Order had kidnapped her, almost feeling guilty for even considering attacking him in his sleep. Sure, probably no one else would have succeeded in taking her prisoner.

Her lips pressed into a firm line as she turned on her heels, grabbed her discarded boots quietly and hurried to the ship.

Maybe by now some of you will have figured out where I'm going with this, and I really, really hope you'll like it. Elmo13


	9. Somewhere I belong

As the shadow she casted onto him disappeared, his eyes snapped opened, a fire raging inside them. He forced himself to stay still until she disappeared from his sight. He'd sense her agitation as she faked sleep, and tested her. He'd figured that maybe if she attacked him first, he would come to grips with killing her. He would have brought her head to his master in atonement, silencing the struggle inside of him. Now, he was lucid enough to face the truth: he would never kill her. Not tomorrow or the next day, not even if she was really asking for it. He needed a minute to grasp that fact, scaring him to the core. Even now, when she was trying to escape despite the fact that he'd saved her life, he wasn't even that angry. He expected nothing less from her, the impulse to punish her dull in his heart.

He followed her, expecting her injuries to slow her down considerably but she was quicker than he anticipated, gaining ground on him. He was tired, hadn't slept in almost 3 days and walking through this sticky jungle with his winter clothes had done a number on him.

She, however, practically flew over the branches, the moss and the dirt, knowing she probably had very little time. She ran up the ramp and into the ship, going straight for the bridge. She nervously programmed the ship for takeoff and ignited the engines. It sort of made a weird sound instead of coming alive, her blood running wild in her veins. _He must have altered the initializing sequence,_ she thought, the computer staring to beep loudly, demanding a password. She feverishly pressed a bunch of buttons and tore away an electronic circuit, managing to bypass the main console after a couple of minutes. She lifted the ship in the air slowly, and exhilaration ran through her. She was escaping, at last. She pushed on the steering to go straight forward.

She frowned when the ship didn't obey her command and went left instead. She veered right but it only accelerated her incorrect course.

She was flying straight for a cliff. "What the hell!" She exclaimed, grabbing the controls with both hands, trying to sway the ship away from its doom. It was no use, she couldn't do anything, not slow down or turn. She braced herself for impact when the ship turned slightly right and the hull grazed the rocks instead of colliding head on into it. It immobilized about five hundred feet later, at the bottom of the cliff, the impact absorbed mostly by the thick bed of moss present. "Shit!" She cursed, running outside to see how bad the damage was. She went around to the left wing and winced: it was pretty bad. A part of it had been shaved off. She turned around and gasped loudly at the sight of Ren walking towards her, livid and out of breath.

"Fuck! He cursed loudly, seeing his ship badly bruised from her failed attempt to escape.

He looked ripe for a fight and her body tensed up, thinking she couldn't defend herself from his lightsaber and preparing to run but he just brushed past her.

"Good grief, I should have never have given you a head start," he spat, looking at the damage.

"What?"

"I screwed up the ship's lift off sequence and direction, just in case you tried something like that. I wasn't that worried when you scampered off. I hadn't imagined you would manage to crash the ship. Why would you do that?" He'd made sure she wouldn't be able to fly out of here, what the hell had happened? Had she figured out his password? Impossible, she'd had five minutes on him max.

"Why‒" She was at a loss for words, crossing her arms as annoyance bubbled up in her chest. "I wanted to escape, **obviously**."

His eyes bore into hers meaningfully. "You have escaped, haven't you realized by now this is not another First Order base?

"I couldn't care less about the First Order, I'm talking about escaping **you**!" She yelled, holding his intense gaze. Her breathing was labored with stress and frustration. She closed the distance between them as she continued accusingly: "I saw it in your mind. You were going to leave me here, until you figured out what to do with me."

"So were you," he raised his eyebrows at her, defying her to deny it.

She opened her mouth and closed it, busted.

Her cheeks reddened, even he she knew she had nothing to apologize for. "Now, we're both stuck, bloody brilliant!" She added, sarcasm thick in her voice. He was the one that had kidnapped her. He was the one holding her prisoner. He was the one to blame for this mess, not her.

They stood there, inches away from each other, eyes locked, their breathing in synch before their fury gradually deflated and Ren turned away.

 _I'm going to take a closer look, just stay here._

He was mad, of course: she'd crashed his ship trying to escape, but he was also kind of relieved. He was almost glad that this choice was taken away from him. He no longer had the option of returning to his old life, to Snoke. He was stuck, but in a way, it was liberating. He wouldn't have to say goodbye, for now.

He stepped toward the wreckage, a serious look on his face. She followed him despite his order to a stay put. He went to check on the worst first: the left wing. There was a huge boulder over it. It had probably fallen down the hill at the impact. Even if they had everything aboard to fix the hull and electric systems, that boulder was pinning it all to the ground.

She was about to remark on that when she spotted him raising his hand at it. She huffed in disbelief. Sure, she'd seen him move small things once in a while, but that rock was huge. His face was wrinkled in concentration, his eyes closed, as he focused hard on his objective. It took a few seconds, but it started to move slightly. She held her breath as the rock slowly shook to life, and he raised it in the air and away from the ship. It took a few minutes, and she had to hold a gasp a few times when he seemed close to dropping it, but he managed to clear it.

He opened his eyes, now completely drained but pretty happy with himself. He caught her gazing at him in awe, and he chuckled.

 _I told you, you need a teacher, there's a whole lot you can do using the Force, if you're properly taught._

She narrowed her eyes at him, frustrated. _And I told you: I'll never learn anything worthwhile from you._

 _Calm down, I wasn't offering._

 _The hell you weren't!_ She was infuriated. He was telling **her** to calm down, like he wasn't the unstable one with the erratic behavior.

He ignored her last sentence and continued his diagnosis. He crawled under the rumbles to see if the wing had been severed or not. It wasn't but it was definitely stuck in the wrong position, putting a lot of stress on the rest of the structure.

 _It's not that bad, thankfully I managed to sway the ship a little and spare most of the damage, we'll be able to repair it._

She frowned at his optimistic words, so unexpected coming from him. "We?"

He raised his head towards her. "What, you want to stay here?"

Hell no! "Can't we just call for help?" She knew she sounded ridiculous, but the possibility of being stuck here with him alone for the unforeseeable future was more than she could handle.

"Who are **we** going to call, Rey?" He started, pointing out that if they were to call for help, they would probably attract enemies, one way or the other. "Besides, this is a fucked up planet; my long distance transmitter is useless here."

She contemplated what he just said, her heart pounding.

"You're lucky, I'm pretty good at repairing stuff," she ultimately pouted in acquiescence to his plan. "But I warn you, I'm going to reprogram the ship's computer so you can never fly this thing again without me on board. I have no intention on living on this moon till I die," she spat, thinking he better not cling to his original idea to leave her here, because she wasn't going to let that happen.

He nodded curtly, his previous plan was dead anyway.

 _I'm going to hike back before it gets dark, bring the water, we'll definitely need it now,_ she added spitefully, turning on her heels, effectively ending the conversation.

His fists contracted and he cursed under his breath as he watched her walk away from him. _She's so infuriating._

All his life, he'd dream to be part of something big, memorable; to belong. He never felt right at home with the Resistance, following his mother from planet to planet as she tried to recruit important people to her cause. They all ignored him, not interested in the tall lanky kid along for the ride. He wanted to matter, to be noticed. His father was nowhere to be found most of the time, away on a new mission or adventure supposedly too dangerous for him to come along. He'd grown restless, too temperamental, too unpredictable, and his mother had sent him to his uncle, the best fucking Jedi in the galaxy. She'd hoped he would find a reason to love the world, a goal to achieve, a path to follow, but he could never have lived up to her expectations. He didn't want Luke's life of sacrifice, denying himself all the fun of being human for the greater good.

His desire for power coupled with his disdain for patience had brought him to Snoke and to the Dark side; a greedy combination that took more than it gave. He'd allowed his soul to be corrupted, embracing the darkness and disowning the light inside of him. It seemed obvious there could never be something more worthwhile and alluring to chase than that tenebrous power. He was starting to think he'd been wrong about that.

( _When this began)  
I had nothing to say  
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me_

 _(I was confused)_

 _Looking everywhere only to find  
That it's not the way I had imagined it all in my mind  
(Nothing to lose)  
Just stuck, hollow and alone  
And the fault is my own, and the fault is my own_

 _[Chorus]_ _  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel what I thought was never real  
I wanna let go of the pain I've felt so long  
(Erase all the pain till it's gone)  
I wanna heal, I wanna feel like I'm close to something real  
I wanna find something I've wanted all along  
Somewhere I belong_

 _ **Somewhere I belong – Linkin Park**_

 **Hey guys, so I basically had two options, I chose to keep them together a while longer. God I love those two ! : ) Thanks for the reviews, they mean the world to me, and if you're following my story please take a minute to leave a comment, either a song you recommend or what you would like to see or really anything !**

 **Elmo13**


	10. Fire and Ice

**AN Hey guys, I went to see Muse yesterday and it was an amazing concert. X Ambassador actually opened the show, Unsteady being the first piece of music to inspire this fic, I knew I had to post today. I starved you this week because I was busy so I decided to treat you with an extra-long chapter. Loved your suggestions: Breaking Benjamin, didn't know them before, Oh wonder too!**

She came back to camp at sunset. Her hair was sticky on her neck and her black clothes were thick with sweat, hugging her curves. She was transporting both twenty liter pouches of water, filled to the brink, and he was amazed by her body's resilience. After all she'd endured the last few days, she should have been weakened; worn-out, but she appeared as strong and dedicated as ever. Her fierce spirit never ceased to surprise him.

Despite the humidity, the temperature was falling fast now that the sun had lowered in the sky. He'd built a fire in her absence, a few feet outside the ship's hatch and her skin tingled deliciously as she approached it. A pile of wood laid beside it and big trunks had been put on either side as seats. She set her load down beside the fire and went into the ship to get a big metal container. It was probably best to boil the water, even if his scan hadn't detected anything wrong with it; especially since they were to drink it every day for a while.

As she settled the bucket of water over the fire, she caught him staring at her. It made her feel uneasy, and she wondered what he was plotting now. She tried to avoid eye contact as she peeked around the edge of his thoughts. Her eyes widened at the knowledge that he'd been thinking about how strong she was, the concealed esteem for her so tangible she made a false move and burned one finger on the now scorching metal. She winced, bringing the finger to her mouth and sucking on the already white blister.

He breathed deeply as her presence left his mind. The footprint it left behind was almost imperceptible but he gravely hung on to it, wanting to imprint it to memory.

 _How long have you been able to do that?_ He asked her, curious to know how long his intimate musings had been her personal playpen.

 _Do what?_ She asked innocently, biting her lips.

 _Read my thoughts,_ he deadpanned, anxious for her to cut the crap and answer honestly.

They stared at each other across the flames, a serious look on both their faces.

 _How did you know?_

 _You said something earlier, about seeing in my thoughts that I was going to leave you here. I was ready for you to try it again._ _ **How long?**_ He insisted pointedly, his patience stretching near its breaking point.

She cursed inwardly for forgetting she admitted that to him earlier. Why couldn't she just keep her mouth shut? She'd basically ruined her advantage. Her thoughts flew back to their heated fight. She clearly hadn't been in her right mind, she knew that by just how close she'd put her face from his. Close enough to count his eyelashes and smell his musky masculine scent. _Too close_ , she thought inwardly. Without exactly knowing why, she knew she wanted to anger him. He was more familiar, easier to deal with when he was furious. The calm, pensive man that stood in front of her now was infinitely scarier.

She conjured confidence in her voice as she boasted mockingly: _I've been doing it for weeks, and you had no idea. You suck at this._

He was thrown aback by her answer, bitterly ashamed he had so poorly shielded his mind, the fact that he'd been oblivious to it for so long before she admitted it herself adding insult to injury. How did she managed to outshine him like that? He'd been training for years, was the progeny of legends and yet this **nobody** from the outer rims was able to roam his thoughts undiscovered. Well, until now. His teeth gritted together and his jaw clenched, his temper quickly getting away from him as he considered all the information she could have stolen from his mind.

She took in his body language and knew she'd almost achieved her objective. She decided to push him further by snickering at him, thinking it really should be this way between them, uncomfortable with his newfound civility towards her. _Enemies should act as such, not make small talk around the fire._

She was laughing at him, that ungrateful witch. He growled as he took an angry step towards her, the darkness close to overcoming him.

She held his murderous gaze, wishing she'd thought this through more. He still had the enormous advantage of having a lethal unstoppable weapon tied at the hip.

Each of his shallow breath was more painful than the last, a strenuous tension building in his chest, a sharp ache roaring in his heart. He craved to find a way to exhaust the agitation raging inside of him, to calm his upheaval and rid himself of all the confusing emotions she was stirring as she crawled deeper under his skin, day after day. He felt powerless against her, and it needed to change.

He was desperate for some violence, for any brutal way to tame his unruly heart. His body screamed in protest. He was dead tired because of the lack of sleep, the exhaustion from the heat and the abuse of his Force powers from lifting the rock before. He'd gone too quickly to impress her and almost shattered the ship beneath it a few times, nearly crushing his only way out of this forsaken planet. _Why?_ That thought made him pause, but his heart still chanted avidly for a fight. He already knew he didn't want to kill her, so the light saber was out. A Force choke or anything of that sort wouldn't alleviate the burning either. The image of them fighting in hand to hand combat imposed itself in his brain. He wanted to touch her again, on any terms, he realized. He let his mind drift over what could happen during that fight, like how close their faces would be as his weight pined her to the ground, her muscular body writhing underneath him. He let out a sharp, alarmed breath as he felt all his blood rush south, a painful erection now pressed against the fabric of his pants. _Fuck, no!_ He cursed inwardly, rebelling against the unwanted desire. How mortifying would it be if she by chance noticed it or reached into his mind right now? His mind was ablaze at how badly she could misinterpret this. How dangerous she would become if she knew she had that kind of power over him.

Thunder scratched their ears as lightning ignited the now stormy sky over them, mirroring the tempest inside of him. A forceful icy rain started pouring down, and Kylo Ren sobered up, his body grateful for the distraction. She was still glaring at him through the rain drops, but his menacing stance evaporated. He retreated to his room without a single word, eager to close his eyes at last and forget all about his temporary insanity. He didn't want to feel this way about her, it was diminishing. He was better than the hormonal mess she'd reduced him to in that moment.

She waited a minute before following him inside, her heartbeat returning to normal as she wondered what exactly happened. Why had she taunted him like that? Why had he left so abruptly? She used a towel to dry herself as best as she could. She made herself a bed in the engine room with some other linen she found, feeling at home there among the ship's parts.

They started the job at hand the next morning by inventorying the supplies they had and listing all the things that needed to be done. Kylo Ren was alarmingly calm, detached even and made no mention of the previous night. She wondered what caused this striking transformation. She tried to tug on their bond, to seep through his consciousness but he unceremoniously shoved her out. She decided to concentrate on the work instead.

They determined it was a 2-3 weeks job, if they worked fast and didn't encounter more problems. They had enough food to last a month without issue, a month and a half if they rationed. Even without it, they had everything on the planet to be self-sufficient but they decided they would work faster if they didn't have to gather food.

Their first priority would be to protect the structural integrity by ensuring the left wing could fold back up, and repair it afterwards. They would have to build some sort of scaffolding to access it, but it was the safest way to go. He was checking on the spare parts they had at their disposition and the tools available when she appeared beside him.

 _I've turned off the thermo-regulator and every other non-essential auxiliary systems. I'm going to install the solar panels to get as much power as possible._

It was so weird to talk to him like this, like they were a team instead of nemeses. He seemed unaffected enough by it. She was about to leave when the comment that was burning her lips imposed itself: _It's frightening how calm you are._

He shrugged nonchalantly. _Let's just say I'm good at repairing stuff too, especially ships._

 _What, the First Order has a lot of mechanical malfunctions? I'm finding that hard to believe._ She arched an eyebrow at him in disbelief, thinking he probably had everything done for him over there, an army of lackeys available to do his bidding, responding to his every whim.

 _I didn't say that._ He was pressing himself to ignore her, not to answer her questions and concentrate on his task but she was already nudging at his self-control again.

 _Then what?_ She crossed her arms again, a piercing look daring him to explain.

Painful memories of his father shrouded his mind. The man had mostly been absent from his childhood, but as a young teenager, he'd flown around the galaxy for a few weeks at a time with him. He was so desperate for approval, starving for attention, pathetically hoping he could finally retain his dad's interest, now that he was older. But he was kidding himself and Han Solo always dropped him back to his mother the first chance he got. Until he grew angry and refused to go, sparing his dad the chore of being with him. That was not too long before his mother sent him to Luke, tired of him too.

He jumped back to reality when Rey spoke again: _Ren?_

He tried to conceal his emotions as he spoke, but failed. _Let's just say I wasn't always with the First Order. I knew someone long ago who had a pretty shitty and unreliable ship._

Her eyes widened in astonishment at what his words. It was the first time she ever caught a glimpse of his life before this. First proof that he wasn't born in a First Order underground facility and raised to be what he was. Not that he would have been, but she'd never really wondered before now what the beginning of his story was. How it all started. _Where do you learn to act like a heartless monster? How do you end up being so lost?_ Maybe he was abandoned by his parents, like her. She didn't want to be but she was curious. One part of her was screaming that she shouldn't care about his story, that nothing could justify all the atrocities he was responsible for while the other part was dying to know anyway. She silenced it as best as she could and grabbed everything she needed to start her task.

She sweated profusely under the direct sun rays as she arranged the solar panels to be in the most efficient position. They would still need power for tools, for cooking and stuff. The straining exercise, both mental and physical, created an oasis of peace in her mind. She could feel all her muscles, her skin, her nerves were prickling back to life. Just breathing in the stuffy hot air was a treat after all those days in captivity, and she felt awake and alive again. She overdid it, pushing her body to the limit, and she was perfectly exhausted when darkness fell, the threat of a bad sunburn throbbing on her forehead, her skin left unprotected all day. She regretted not taking the time to go and at least wash the filth from her body. Ren had gone to the stream before sunset, and she'd kind of judged him for taking a break. They had to work hard if they ever wanted to get out of here.

That night after the temperatures dropped and the rain fell, she had to huddle under what covers she had to fight off the cold, her clothes drenched in sweat now freezing around her, the humidity preventing anything from drying. Her body was screaming in discomfort, her cuts swollen by the irritation of the salty sweat and the itching sun, the wound in her thigh sore because of the shrinking, inflamed skin.

 _Just turn on the heat if you're_ _ **that**_ _cold,_ he grumbled into her mind, startling her.

She narrowed her eyes at his words. _What? No! We can't spare the power._

 _I can hear your teeth clanking together from here, just open the fucking regulator for a while._

 _No!_ She insisted, not understanding why he bothered to argue with her.

 _Fine, suit yourself, I won't nurse you when you catch a bad cold and you_ _ **die**_ _._

She couldn't afford catching something, and her body was still fragile. This wasn't the desert, bacteria must love this climate. _Fuck, he's right,_ she realized.

 _Of course I'm right._

 _Get out of my head._ She ejected him and peeled herself from the floor. As she was turning on the heat, she sensed a smidgen of relief coming from him.

 _You're cold too,_ she grinned, cleverly discerning his own interest in this. She verified her newly developed theory by scraping at his thoughts. She got a clear image of him tossing and turning in his bed, all tied up in his covers, his own sunburn burning his skin as he tried desperately to warm up the rest of his body, too proud to do anything about it.

 _Now you get out of mine_ , he mumbled grumpily and her grin turned into a genuine laugh, rumbling through her entire being. It was so absurd, that it was incredibly funny.

The gentle laugh had the opposite effect of her cruel sneer from the night before. He found himself entranced by the sound, wishing she would laugh like that more. He could see the smile illuminating her face, and his chest tightened. He was doomed.

 _Fear and panic in the air_

 _I want to be free_

 _From desolation and despair_

 _And I feel like everything I sow_

 _Is being swept away_

 _Well I refuse to let you go_

 _I can't get it right_

 _Get it right_

 _Since I met you_

 _Loneliness be over…_

 _When will this loneliness be over?_

 **Map of the problematic – Muse**

 **Please, pleeeease leave a comment below, I need feedback to push through the insane work week I'm having. I'm crossing my fingers you liked this one! Elmo13**


	11. With you

**Thanks for the reviews guys, I love you all ! Special thank you to my best friend Emanuelle who offered to beta for me!**

The little planet continued for the next few weeks to curse them with its very unstable climate. The days were spent under the scorching sun and crushing humidity, a decision to work only in the early morning and early evening imposing itself after the first few days, the choking heat weighing hard on their bodies. They would have loved to work more nights, but almost every sunset was met with harsh rain, falling like a torrent as the temperatures dropped considerably. If they made the mistake of working too late, they would come back inside the ship soaked, shivering until the wee hours of the night. And it would all start anew the next day. To worsen things, earthquakes would periodically shake the earth around the ship, more rocks and trees threatening to fall down from the hill and unto the already damaged hull. This planet did nothing halfway, the repairs kept adding up, and each passing storm worked against them.

During a particularly nasty thunderstorm that lasted for 2 days, Rey snooped around the ship, looking through their less crucial supplies. She gathered what light linen she could find and used the threads and needles to fashion herself an improvised Jakku garb, tired of wearing the black spares of Kylo Ren. She even tied her hair like she used to in the desert, in three buns and when she looked at herself in the mirror of the refresher she let out a sigh of happiness. This was definitely her reflection, she hadn't lost herself completely in all this mess.

She woke up the next day, the weather nice again. She went outside and spotted Ren standing on the hull of the ship over the bridge area. He was cursing aloud, his back to her. He was half naked, his muscles all tensed and sweat running down his back as he was prying a piece of tree off the ship. It felt eerie still to be here with him, but despite themselves, they had sort of fallen into a tumultuous but dependable companionship. They would fight like cats and dogs for a day or two, lashing out in anger at their situation, blaming one another before relenting, spending the next 4 or 5 working together in harmony. Then they would get frustrated again, discouraged at the amount of work still to be done and would go back to being at each other's throats.

 _Why aren't you using the Force?_ She asked him, trying to discover what kind of mood he would be in today.

 _I'm blowing off some steam, the rain made a lot of crap fall, and the electrical circuit inside this is blown,_ he explained motioning to a deflector shield projector.

 _Do you need some help?_ She offered instinctively, noticing only afterwards it was the first time she'd said that to him.

 _No- err- but thanks._ He thanked her, the word feeling weird and unfamiliar, he couldn't recall the last time he'd thanked someone. He didn't even remember how to trust someone else, always slept with one eye opened.

She worked on the left wing hydraulic mechanism all day, the humidity not as crushing as usual after the heavy rainfall, but by the middle of the afternoon she was exhausted and famished. Ren was rebuilding something to protect the ship as best as possible from the next storm, the previous scaffolding and tarp shredded to pieces. She took a half portion from the ship and ate alone, counting the packets still left. The food supply was growing thinner quickly than anticipated, and they would try to replace as much as they could with plants and the occasional red-blooded creature that would venture too close, but the storm had prevented them from gathering or hunting. She grabbed the empty pouch of water from their day's work, her bedding and the rags that needed washing and hiked to the stream. It was easier now, her muscle mass back to the way it was before.

She loved the sight of the sun shining on the calm greenish water, relished in the tranquility of the wind blowing across the leaves. It was definitely something missing on her home planet of Jakku.

Sure, the humidity was a drag, but as she removed her clothes and let herself slip into the refreshing waters, her whole body sighed in contentment. Her soul was at peace here, where she could pretend she was happy and free. _Pretend?_ An inner voice asked, but she ignored it.

She washed all the sweat of the day off her skin and hair and afterwards pulled herself back to the ground, laying down on a flat rock. Her wounds had fully healed by now, only one scar recounting the events on Starkiller base. Well, one faded scar **and** one vibrant man waiting for her at camp. She let herself dry under the gentle rays of the late afternoon after checking he was still near the ship.

He would almost always wait for her to hike back before taking his turn in the water, respecting implicitly her need for privacy. She still practised her Force skills, piling rocks with her mind with more and more precision, but she refused to let him know, in case he gave her advice about how to do it. It would feel too much like he was teaching her something.

A rumbling went through the earth and shook it for a minute. She was used to it by now and waited for the vibrations to disappear before standing up and hiking back.

She found Ren sitting in front of the rekindled fire, the sun disappearing behind the mountain. He was attempting to stitch a gashing wound on his right shoulder. She didn't ask how it'd happen, knowing it would probably antagonize him. Instead, she put her stuff down and went to stand beside him, reaching for the needle.

 _Here, let me do it._

Their eyes met, she could tell he was embarrassed and angry. She was expecting him to rebuff her but he finally sighed, giving her the needle and she hid the surprise on her face. He detested any form of contact. She'd noticed that one morning, passing him his plate, their hands had accidentally brushed, and he'd removed it violently, sending the food flying to the floor. Not that she liked touching him, but his reaction seemed odd and she'd taken a note of it.

Goosebumps went up his arms when her fingers brushed his skin. He tried to ignore the unusual tingling of the Force concentrating where their skin connected. He tried to think about something else, anything else than her touching him.

She tried to be as gentle as she could, but the cut was deep and flecked with little shards of wood. She had to harvest them off one by one as he obstinately bit the inside of his cheek to hide the pain. Her mind was wandering as she sutured. He was so tanned, his skin almost darker than hers now. The black circles under his eyes had disappeared and he'd cut his hair a little, probably sick of it clinging to his skin in the heat. It made him look so different. _No one would recognize him now_ , she thought. She almost couldn't.

 _What's your real name?_ She breathed into the bond.

His tone was curt when he uttered: _You know my name._

 _Yeah, now, but what was it before?_ She asked soothingly, as if not to spook him.

 _Why?_ Why was she prying about this? Did she know? Had she somehow figured it out, seen it in his mind?

 _I just realized your parents clearly didn't name you Kylo Ren, was it even Kylo? Kyle maybe?_

He rebelled against her question: _It's totally irrelevant_.

 _I'm curious anyway._ There was a 'please humor me' tone to her words, feigned aloofness coloring her question.

The scariest part was: he kind of wanted to tell her. He growled out loud, abruptly pulling away, tearing the thread and walking to the ship.

 _I wasn't done,_ she said, talking about the suture.

 _ **I**_ _was,_ he clipped at her, his tone definite.

She pestered herself for asking. Of course it didn't matter what his name used to be, he would always be Kylo Ren to her. She was angry now, riling herself up as she started hanging the wet linen on the rope installed next to the fire. He was the man that had torn her apart from her new found friends, keeping her from the life she'd always wanted and only just found. The man keeping her captive, threatening to kill her time and time again if she didn't bow before him. The man prying through her mind with no respect or remorse. She wanted to stop there, thinking that pretty much summed it up, but she couldn't. That small, stubborn voice in her head added: _the man who killed for me, the man who stitched me back together._ She really couldn't reconcile the two, and it was ever so unnerving.

The next few days, he basically ignored her. She knew she'd hit a nerve, and worked in silence alongside him for hours at a time, feigning ignorance at how his gaze would linger more and more on her, burning her skin where he'd look for too long. She pointedly didn't ask what his problem was, detecting a dangerous undercurrent behind his brush-off iciness.

After nearly a month, they were better at predicting if the night would be a hot and stuffy one or a deluge, and tonight was definitely the latter. They put up the tarp over the ship and barricaded themselves inside. She sat alone in the engine room, starting to pile up with her mind the extra rings of metal kept in the tool box in case the engine needed repair. They were pretty heavy, like 10 pounds each. She'd always been a natural at mind tricks but the physical stuff was more difficult and didn't come as easily to her so she was proud to graduate from the little rocks to this. She was pretty concentrated, engrossed in her task and didn't hear him come in. He brushed past her without a glance, still giving her the cold shoulder, but she was startled by the sudden movement and dropped one ring. It fell with a loud thud near his feet, capturing his attention. He raised his hand towards it before placing it on top of her pile. Their gaze met before she placed another one on top. He did too. The force started vibrating around them and Rey's jaw tensed in frustration. She couldn't be doing this, not with him, she couldn't let him know about her progress. _He's still the enemy,_ she reminded herself, the constant caution starting to feel old and void of meaning. Her heart ruefully interjected: _he's not so bad; he's the only thing we've got._ The pile of rings disappeared suddenly as the pieces scattered, all in different directions.

She looked at him again, alarmed. _Did you do this?_

 _No, did you?_ He answered honestly, the silent treatment finally over.

 _No,_ she denied, trying to discern of he was telling the truth.

He knew she'd done it, because he definitely hadn't. She clearly had no idea so he didn't press it but wondered what she was thinking about at the time. He pushed slightly into her mind. She wasn't thinking about the rings anymore, she was secretly relieved he was talking to her again. She'd kind of missed their banter the last few days, driving away the boredom. She bumped him out with a nasty look and he tried in vain to dismiss the thrill shooting up his spine.

I woke up in a dream today  
To the cold of the static and put my cold feet on the floor  
Forgot all about yesterday  
Remembering I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore  
A little taste of hypocrisy

And I'm left in the wake of the mistake, slow to react  
So even though you're so close to me  
You're still so distant

 **With you - Linkin Park**

 **So? Elmo13**


	12. Fear the Fever

Rey looked approvingly at the puffy white clouds, slightly turned pink by the first rays of twilight. It was shaping up to be a nice night, no rain, less humidity. The ideal night to work. They'd had a slow start today, the rain stretching until mid-morning, the sun dissipating the thick fog around noon, its high position in the sky making the hull blistering hot in a manner of minutes. They'd hidden in the shade, unable to do anything substantial with the ship, instead taking the time to hunt and harvest some local fruits.

The bond, instead of plateauing, was strengthening at an alarming rate. It linked their minds shamelessly; random thoughts and feelings now roaming between them against both their will. Some nights, she would be laying down, eyes closed, and be plagued by images and ideas she knew didn't belong to her. It was so confusing. She knew it went both ways, because she would cut herself working and he would be the one to cry out, warning her to be careful. She could even feel the darkness tugging at the seams of his mind, like a nasty parasite she wished she could obliviate.

On top of it all, there was a restlessness to his behavior that perplexed her. His looks bore into her boldly, and their quiet conversations left her with the elusive stranded afterthought: 'does she know?' _Do I know what?_ She pondered again. She could sense it wasn't something dangerous or malevolent; it was something rather intimate he indubitably wanted to keep to himself. _As it should,_ she repeated inwardly, but she was dying to figure it out anyway.

She hiked to the stream, thinking he'd been there for a really long time, desperate for her turn. She was also curious, wondering what he did over there for so long. His solo trips had become lengthy and she could feel a certain peace emanating from him when he was up there, contrasting with his usual sulkiness.

She neared the clearing and stopped, trying to see through the leaves. He was swimming up and down the water. His body was sliding effortlessly against it, his rhythm steady. She spied on him for a moment, a bit envious.

She couldn't swim, never learned how. She could manage to stand in the water, wash herself and come back up but nothing more. At this instant, she longed for him to teach her, thinking how heavenly it must feel to fly across the water like that.

He stopped his movements, but not because he spotted her. He was standing in the shallows, the water hugging his mid stomach, and he brushed his wet raven hair away from his face with both hands. She felt criminal for invading his privacy like that, a bit of a paradox since she intruded on his thoughts all the time.

She wetted her lips, thinking despite herself that he was really handsome. The relentlessly annoying inner voice —a voice that had gradually become impossible to ignore— asked what harm it would do if she was to ask him to teach her to swim? It imposed a mental image of her in the water, with him. Her mind slipped dangerously at the notion.

 _What are you doing?_ He glanced towards her quizzically through the vegetation, a tingling on his skin telling him he was being watched.

His low husky voice broke her out of her reverie.

 _Are you spying on me?_ He arched his eyebrows at her incredulously.

 **Fuck.** "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come, I‒", she stammered, her heart suddenly hammering in her chest. The stupidly tantalizing voice, she'd let it fester for too long. Inner voices are usually not a problem, even when you can't shut them up. They are typically private, and you never have to act upon them. Rey was acutely aware this rule didn't apply to Ren and her, not with the gaping hole between their consciences. What if he'd heard it? How mortifying it would be, how dangerous? She couldn't have those thoughts around him, not even for a second. All he'd wanted to do from the start was corrupt her. Had he finally succeeded? Was this voice all her, or was it planted there by him somehow? _Can I even trust my own thoughts anymore?_

 _Rey?_

Their gaze met. She looked positively terrified, and he didn't have a clue as to why. He wished he could just pry into her thoughts, but she had become too good at shutting him out. He yanked a bit on the bond but she desperately resisted him. What was she protecting so fiercely?

She felt him trying to enter her mind, looking for an explanation to her weird behavior, and her throat constricted. He couldn't be responsible for her unwanted musings, because he was unaware of them. For now.

Without warning, she turned around and started running away like she'd been stung.

 _What the fuck?_ He stormed out of the water, calling after her: "Rey?" _I swear I'll never understand this woman._ He hurried to put his pants and shirt back on and chased after her, not really knowing why he just had to.

She was almost back at camp when a particularly strong earthquake shook the ground. She lost her footing, tangling her foot in a bunch of sneaky branches hidden by the moss and falling flat on her ass. _Damn,_ she cursed. She tugged on her foot but it was stuck. She reached for her ankle, trying to liberate it swiftly.

When she heard the loud crack thundering through the air, it was already too late. A huge decayed tree had just ripped his old roots from the earth and was falling directly on her.

She was frozen in place, her instincts telling her to stop the tree instead of trying to run, that she would never make it. Her hands raised towards it and at once she knew she'd been foolish, she would never manage to stop that tree. It would crush her.

At the last possible second his mind joined her own. She welcomed the intrusion and the tree froze in the air, inches away from her. From the corner of her eyes, she saw him walk towards her. It was taking her all her might not to let the tree fall, she couldn't move an inch, sweat gathering on her forehead at the tremendous effort. He walked to her slowly, shaking under the weight of the load. When he was close enough, he reached for her hand. She did the same, her fingers clawing around his and the Force sparked around them.

Their minds in perfect unison, they pushed the gigantic tree up, up and aside and dropped it safely away from them. It fell to the ground, shaking the earth. The atmosphere was charged with electricity, their breathing ragged from the effort, the Force flowing between them freely.

The rush of power was potent and exhilarating, making her feel heady and she jumped to her feet.

He was staring intently at their still joined hands, the force of the surge dizzying him. He could see a halo of light surrounding her, so powerful and unyielding.

Absolute.

Hypnotic.

He wasn't entirely in control when his arm yanked her towards him. Their gaze met for a second before he swallowed her gasp of surprise into a searing kiss. She tasted heavenly, his own forbidden fruit. Her lips were warm and soft against his, and he was drowning.

It lasted only a second before she tore herself away from him violently, breaking the connection and the entire forest held its breath.

"What the fuck?" She screamed, bringing her hand to her lips like she had been burned. She took a few steps back.

 _Rey?_ He asked in confusion as he took a step toward her. She wanted it too, he was sure of it, felt a rustling in the Force, telling him to do it. It had to be her, right?

"Don't you dare make another step!" She cried out as she crouched into a defensive stance.

He could have sworn…

"This is insane, don't you get it? This isn't okay with me, you disgust me. You're a **murderer**."

The harsh words cut through the night surrounding them as sharply as they cut through his heart.

Angry tears appearing in her eyes, she turned around and started running again. He would make her pay for that, she was sure. She ran faster than she'd ever run before. She ran until her feet were raw and her lungs burned. She ran until she realized he wasn't coming after her.

She crashed in the dirt roughly, letting her adrenaline subside.

Harsh, stinging guilt built in her chest until the tears prickled so painfully at her eyes, she began to sob uncontrollably, knowing what a hypocrite she was.

She was acutely aware she wasn't his prisoner anymore. That scared her to the core. Before, she would write off their connection as something evil she had no control over. He was calling the shots, she had no free will. But now, she was being choked by guilt. Guilt for not hating him anymore, as she really should. Guilt for looking at him as a man instead of a monster. Guilt for wishing he would stop pretending he hadn't changed. Guilt for secretly hoping he would dare to let the darkness go and let her in. Guilt for rejecting him hideously when he tried. Guilt for feelings that had grown beyond her control. _How could this be real? It's rooted in darkness. It's a sickness, that's what it is._ The comforting denial no longer sounded true to her, the feverish feeling tearing her apart.

 _I fear the fever  
Deep in my bones  
It runs electric  
It draws me home  
It knows the weakness  
Deep in my soul  
It keeps me hostage  
I'm never alone_

 _ **Fear the Fever – Digital Daggers**_

 **So? A kiss! What did you guys think? Elmo13**


	13. Sweet surrender

**AN: Fear the fever is amazing, I too discovered it watching the Reylo video on Youtube : )**

Ren was shivering, his mind in shock as he sat by the fire, staring intently at the flames, wishing they would consume him and free him from the striking pain. He'd disavowed his feelings long enough, at first dismissing them as basic human urges, then as a fascination for her power and later as a dark need to possess her. Now, he was simply suffocating.

She was gone. She had voiced her opinion pretty clearly: he was unredeemable in her eyes. His throat constricted painfully and his jaw clenched. He waited for a rage that never came, his heart hollow and raw. He couldn't think, couldn't breathe, the world a blur in front of his eyes. Time passed, he didn't know how much nor cared, the ominous truth plaguing his every thought.

S _he will never be mine._

Rey was walking at a deliberately slow pace, taking the long way back to camp, careful not to trip in the dark forest. She still needed time to make sense of what happened, to sort out the swirl of contradicting feelings. She wasn't sure which emotion to nurture and which to smother. She bit her lips, trying to figure out what she should do, what she should say, all the while imagining what he was doing.

Suddenly, a wave of undiluted agony rolled unto her, starting in the pit of her stomach and roaring upwards. Her chest ached, her head pounded and she couldn't deny the aching misery washing over her. She fell to her knees, the pain acute and visceral, and gasped trying to identify the source.

It was him.

She could almost see him behind her eyelids, sitting by the fire, unravelled by self-disgust and regret, the poignant and deranged torment leaving a sour taste in her mouth. The connection had never been so open and raw before. It was as if he'd stopped guarding the door to the castle of his mind, now facing inwards; ready to burn it all down.

The numbing pain was hard to swim against, but she tried anyway, concentrating hard on the Force.

He was stuck in a mental loop, replaying their kiss, and her accusing tirade.

Her stomach cramped and bile rose in her mouth when she realized she had reflected back to him every single bit of the monster and none of the man, even though she knew it was inaccurate. She'd crushed his hope that he could ever rise above the darkness. She was choked under the weight of his turmoil, comprehending how much that hope meant to him. She could see, even if he didn't want to admit it, that he desperately wanted to let the anger go, and considered her his way —the only way— back to light.

It was like pulling on a thread, the more she pushed her way in; the quicker his mind was coming apart. The sheer force of his undisclosed desire for her made her tremble. How he could have hidden it for so long was beyond her comprehension. She could see herself, in his mind. His whole being ached for her, and he had no control over its demands anymore. She was engraved on his heart, filling his guts, floating in his chest, wrapped around his brain and dancing in his blood. She had an immense power over him. He hated it but craved it all the same.

She could feel his shame, his humiliation; his fear of losing her. He was thinking that he would rather die than see the judging hatred in her eyes again.

She should have been scared at the nature and intensity of his feelings for her. Should being the operative word.

Something in her snapped. She was sick of acting the way she was supposed to instead of how she wanted to. Tired of fighting against her own heart.

Ren sensed her running in his direction long before he saw her. He stood up, instinctively turning to where she would appear.

The air started buzzing around him. She erupted from around a tree, graciously flying over the obstacles, a wild determination illuminating her lovely face.

He looked so dejected, so broken, her heart bled at the thought that she was responsible for it.

The Force whispered to him again, foreboding what she was going to do and he almost didn't dare to trust it.

When she jumped unto him, her legs flying around his waist to hold herself up to his level, her arms desperately locking around his neck like a vise, his arms were ready for her, grasping the back of her thighs to steady her. Their lips crashed together in wild abandon, both of them surrendering to months of confliction, the all-consuming gravitational pull bending them to its will.

She opened her mouth to him, their tongues sliding against one another and a moan of pleasure rose from them both. He kissed her harder at the sound, claiming her. She mewled, egging him on.

Her body was both soft and hard against him. His hands cradled her face, pushing her back a little. Their eyes met; his were the rich dark shade of a storm brewing, and hers were sparkling with lust.

 _You said I disgust you,_ he reminded her, utterly confused.

 _I lied,_ she admitted before resuming her assault on his mouth. He wanted to smile but he was too busy submitting to her hungry kiss.

Resisting the magnetic tow had proved immensely difficult, unleashing it felt like a liberation. As long as they were falling, might as well fall **hard.** They lost themselves in the taste of each other until their lips were raw.

She leaned down and nibbled his neck eagerly. He growled at the sensation, sending shivers down her spine. He grabbed the nape of her neck, pulling her back to his mouth as he fought for control. She gripped his hair, letting her hand sink in the dark locks, kissing him with fervor. It felt deliciously sinful, she'd wondered what his hair would feel like between her fingers.

His touches grew wilder, the kisses not quenching his thirst for her.

Every longing brush, every husky pant, every lustful bite was echoing in her belly, a molten heat beginning to coil deep inside her. She squeezed her thighs around his waist, yearning for more.

His hand caressed her side on its way back down to her hips. Grabbing her waist, he pressed her curves hard against him, the pressure in his groin maddening and they both hissed at the friction. He was shivering with want, a blazing lust boiling his blood. He needed to bury himself deep into her, become one with her and make her scream in pleasure. _**Now.**_ He grabbed her bottoms and discarded it unceremoniously, tearing the fabric from her body. His hands came to cup her bare ass, her tender skin heavenly against his rough hands, but he felt her stiffen against him. He met her eyes again, they were hooded with fear.

 _You don't want to? Just tell me to stop._ He prayed she wasn't afraid he would continue without her assent. His heart constricted at the thought and he was about to put her down on the ground when she rotated her hips so she was pressing hard into him again.

 _No, I want to I just…_ Her cheeks reddened. She'd been the only one taking care of her sexual urges all these years, and she'd never cared for her lack of **experience** , until now.

He couldn't remember seeing her blush before and comprehension warmed his heart. _You've never done this before._

She shook her head no, biting her bottom lip.

His touch immediately softened, the urgency giving way to tenderness. He kissed her softly, languidly, making her relax against him. She moaned into his mouth, each deliberate stroke of his tongue melting her. Balancing her on his left arm, he raised his right hand and used his powers to grab his discarded black cape, laying it on the ground next to the fire. He walked to it slowly, kissing her neck thoroughly, before lowering her down on it. She was a vision beneath him, wanton and eager, and he promised himself to make it perfect for her.

 _Have you ever done this before?_ She couldn't help but ask, even if she anticipated she wouldn't like the answer.

 _I'm not a virgin,_ he started telepathically. He could feel her trying to stifle her jealousy. "But I've never done **this** before," he soothed her, his knuckles caressing her cheek, hoping she could understand how different she was to him than any other woman before her. How significant.

She nodded in understanding. He'd been desperate to teach her **something** and now she was going to let him. She wasn't giving up, just giving in; to him, to her passions. Nothing in the galaxy mattered besides the two of them anyway.

She grabbed his shirt and pushed it over his head, letting her hands explore his body. _He's so tall,_ she thought, running her hands over his chest to his shoulders. She was tiny beneath him, but she felt mighty, low husky groans escaping his mouth as she roamed his skin.

He let her set the rhythm as they undressed each other slowly, her hand travelling over every line and every scar, like she wanted to memorize him. He was trembling under her tentative touch, still staggering that she wanted to do this with him. He'd denied his own impulses for so long, terrified to fade away, to lose himself inside their bond. He'd never allowed himself to fantasize that she could ever want him too, not until that kiss had set his world ablaze.

When she laid completely bare beneath him, he couldn't believe how beautiful, how perfect she was. He needed to feel, to taste every inch of her skin. He started at the hollow of her neck, leaving a trail of hot kisses down to her chest. His mouth greedily teased her breast, circling it for the longest time. She moaned when he finally took her pebbled nipple into his mouth and sucked lightly, the feeling so foreign and enticing. She was dripping wet, the ache in her belly tightening her insides, her sensitive flesh screaming for attention. He moved down to her stomach, dipping his tongue in her navel on his way to where she needed him the most while deep, uneven breaths rocked her body.

When he got to her hip bone, his hand travelled up the inside of her leg to her thighs, spreading them apart. His eyebrows furrowed as he spotted her scar, a thin white line inside her left thigh. He remembered how he felt stitching it and kissed it desperately, wishing he could erase it and the evil it represented. The unease gnawing his heart dissipated as she whimpered at the feeling of his tongue rasping her inner thigh. He was so close to her center now, her scent was intoxicating, and he leaned in to lick her center. He expected her to be surprised, but she'd sensed what he intended to do and she was hot and wet in anticipation. He groaned as her taste hit him, and he licked her again, harder. She cried out in approval, the pleasure sharp and heady. He buried a finger inside of her, and she jerked against him. She was so tight, he would need to stretch her slowly. His tongue moved against her clit, her moans growing louder with each stroke. He used their link to find out exactly how much pressure she liked, teasing her by easing down when she was close, wanting her to come slowly on his mouth. A second finger joined the first, stroking her from the inside. She writhed underneath him, begging for more friction, but he held her hips firmly in place, determined to bring her as high as he could. Her pleasure built steadily, radiating from her clitoris until she screamed as she fell over the edge, coming hard against him. She saw stars, the world blurring before her as her entire body tingled in blissful rapture.

He had to bite the inside of his mouth hard not to come with her, their connection allowing him to share every second of the blinding orgasm ripping through her.

She slowly drifted back down to earth, still dazed by the force of her orgasm, tethered to reality only by the weight of his body towering above hers and the throbbing between her legs.

He was panting heavily now, his shaft painfully hard. She was mesmerizing, the light of the fire dancing on her body, a perfect blend of lights and shadows decorating her skin as his hand traveled from her hips to her breast. She cried out again as his large hand palmed her sensitive flesh, her face still flustered by her release, her body pliant and ready. He positioned himself at her entrance, his cock begging for her warmth.

In the last nine years, he had never felt less like Kylo Ren. He wasn't fooling himself thinking he was corrupting her or getting her out of his system. It was pretty clear who was changing here, who was pulled into whose gravity; who was weak. That word again, always hunting him. He started shaking, knowing what it meant. If this happened, he would be consumed by her completely.

She sensed his mood swing and met his gaze.

 _I don't know who I am anymore,_ he admitted reluctantly.

 _Hold on to me,_ she whispered soothingly. She wouldn't let him withdraw, not now, not when she'd abandoned herself like that to him. It was his turn to yield.

 _I— I don't know if I can._ His gaze fell, breaking away from hers.

She placed her hands on his neck, pulling gently his face back towards her. She gazed deep into his eyes once more before asking: _What's your real name?_

She held her breath, waiting for his reaction as a war was waged inside of his mind.

 _Ben._

She smiled up radiantly at him at his admission. She'd won. _I want you, Ben._

 _God, Rey._

She raised her hips towards him, offering herself to him completely and he finally surrendered. He pushed into her, his cock singing as they melted into each other. He felt her barrier break and tried to take the sharp pain from her, barely registering against the euphoria of being inside of her.

She expected it to hurt much more but it only stung for a second, as if he'd swallowed her pain. The bond was so strong now, she didn't know where her thoughts and feelings stopped and his began. He filled her completely, her walls closing around him like he was made for her. They moved together, his cock retreating almost completely each time only to sink deeper the next. He was lost to everything but her, the steady rhythm driving him mad, his forsaken name falling of her lips like a prayer.

Another orgasm was building in her, the sharp need threatening to ravage her. Their breathings were rasped and irregular, like they'd forgotten how to suck in air properly. _Harder,_ she begged, clawing at his back, and he happily obliged. When her drenched folds started to pulse around him, he spilt himself deep inside of her, liquid ecstasy coursing through them both as they came together.

He crashed down next to her on the black linen and focused on slowing his heartbeat, feeling ethereal.

The lust finally satiated, she could think clearly again. She was expecting to feel embarrassed at what just happened, considering with whom it had happened. After all, she had succumbed to her primal appetite instead of her rational mind, having sex with the enemy. _Not the enemy_ , she chastised herself, _Ben._ She'd let herself be seduced but he'd surrendered to her. It was a crushing defeat and a blinding victory wrapped into very hot, passionate sex, and she couldn't bring herself to regret it.

She blanketed him with her body, grinning at him, resting her head over his heart for a while.

He traced random patterns on her back, wishing time would freeze them both in this _fucking perfect_ moment, the first since his birth where he felt truly at peace. He knew it couldn't last, because peace was a lie, but what an enchanting illusion of peace this was.

 _You're so beautiful._

 _Am I?_ She said, her hair falling in disarray around her face as she sat on his chest, looking down at him.

 _Yes,_ he repeated as he revelled at the sight of her naked, straddling his chest. He grabbed the side of her face, pulling her down for a voluptuous kiss. Their mouths moved slowly, tongues exploring, getting accustomed to each other in a more gentle fashion.

After a few minutes, she simmered down his body, peppering his chest with kisses.

 _Why did you run?_

She paused. _I told you I was lying…_

 _No not that, before, near the water,_ he asked, still not sure what sparked all of this.

 _Oh. I was wishing you would teach me to swim._

He could tell she wasn't saying the whole truth. _Just swim?_

 _Maybe not,_ she admitted, a smile tugging at the corner of her lips.

He kissed her hard at her response, insanely aroused at the thought of her lusting over him. She grinned wickedly when she felt his cock hardening against her thigh.

Your love is my turning page  
Where only the sweetest words remain  
Every kiss is a cursive line  
Every touch is a redefining phrase

I surrender who I've been for who you are  
For nothing makes me stronger than your fragile heart  
If I had only felt how it feels to be yours  
Well I would have known  
What I've been living for all along  
What I've been living for

 **Turning Page – Sleeping at last**

 **This is only my second M rated sex scene ever written and I am** **freaking out** **. I worked on it for so long (almost since chapter 1). Please review! Elmo13**

 **Bad news (for you guys :P) I'm going to Hawaii for the first time ever on Thursday, and I will probably not update until my return.**


	14. Mercy

**Here is the next chapter, sorry for the wait.**

Ben Solo woke up from a dreamless sleep, a bit disoriented. His eyelids fluttered, the darkness surrounding him barely licked by the dim glow of the ship's safety lights.

He was lying in his bed, naked, the black sheets tangled around him. He was waking up to the same bed, the same sheets and the same dull view of his unused and profoundly useless desk, and yet everything felt different. Goosebumps went up his arms, his body protesting not from the cold, but from the loss of Rey's heat.

 _Rey._ Her fiery eyes locking with his, her incredibly soft skin grazing his chest, her parted lips chanting his name, her body rocking over him…

God, he could picture it so vividly, he groaned out loud, hardening at the flash of fresh memories flooding him.

His eyes snapped open, his fists grabbing a hold of the sheets and throwing them aside. W _here is she?_ He wondered, alerted, tracing back his last memory of the night.

After their second tryst, the lull of sleep had circled to claim them, their bodies spent and their hunger satisfied. They'd retired to the ship, not trusting the planet to be clement, wanting to avoid waking up to a cold, abrasive rain.

She'd hesitated as they'd passed her cot in the engine room, her body tilting towards it but he'd instinctively put both hands around her waist, pushing her decisively towards his quarters. He'd never been one to cuddle after the act, but just the idea of letting go of her was painful. He badly wanted to see her in his bed. She'd fallen asleep almost instantly after her head hit the pillow, but he'd held on, wanting to engrave her in his memory. He'd marveled at the succession of events that had lead them there, to this precise moment in time, knowing how improbable this outcome had been. And yet, here they were, intimately entwined. Despite it all, it had felt incredibly right.

 _At least, it felt right to me_ , he thought, his stare breaking from her empty spot beside him.

Where was she? Why hadn't she waken him? He asked himself again, this time reaching for her with the Force. He concentrated lightly on her feelings, trying to be stealthy. He wanted to know what kind of mood she was in, his pulse quickening at the thought that maybe she regretted everything that had transpired between them.

The link was crystal clear, and he smelled the trees and tasted the dew suspended in the morning air as if he'd been right beside her. She was making her way to the water, her stride slow but steady. He could feel the soft moss bending under her feet and the humidity lapping at her skin. He let out a nervous sigh.

Rey plunged in the water, the refreshing depths enveloping her like silk. She grabbed the bar of soap she kept in a crack between two distinctive stones. She let it glide eagerly across her skin, a delicious ache tingling between her legs as she washed away the remnants of her night with **Ben**. The name was like music to her, proof all this hadn't been a —very inappropriate but earthshattering—dream. Proof that he was embracing a different path, at least that's what she hoped.

She knew it was naively optimistic of her to see it this way, but she wouldn't let herself worry. It was obsolete to think about the future right now. The whole galaxy was out of reach anyway, and today she didn't really care.

She closed her eyes, reliving the events of the night. At first, he'd been just like she'd expected him to be. Desperate, demanding, and his fervor had aroused her immensely, but it was his softer side that really melted her. He'd been more affectionate and tender than she ever thought he could be and her world had shifted.

She knew for a fact how his brain really worked, how his heart still bled at all the atrocities he'd inflicted upon others, how lost he felt in the darkness. In her sleep, the Force had shown her a vision of what he could become.

He'd been set all along on luring her to the Dark, and she hadn't realized before last night that maybe **she** could turn **him** to the light instead. Her heart started beating wildly in her chest as she forced herself to consider it for real.

If he could be swayed permanently to the light, he would be fucking magnificent.

She scoffed, afraid to be delusional, but hadn't he changed so much already? She'd been in his mind with the walls down, she'd sensed his yearning to find some balance, some peace. What if she could help him keep the darkness at bay? She would try, if he let her.

She tore herself from her daydreaming when she felt him coming towards her. Her pulse quickened, a solid heat spreading inside her despite the chilly water. She sank to her shoulders in the water, a bit self-conscious. Last night, they'd been half hidden in the shadows. Would his fascination, his affection for her survive the harsh light of day? She would try to push him toward the light either way, but somehow she sensed it mattered and not just for her pride's sake.

He appeared, closing the distance to the water in a few, confident strides, his eyes searching for hers. She was hiding her body beneath the water, her wet hair drawn back, away from her face.

They gauged each other for a moment, both scared that what they'd found last night had been an ephemeral spell, a short-lived lapse in judgement.

The electrifying bond soothed their fear, the current passing between them as intoxicating as yesterday.

He hadn't anticipated what the sight of her bathing would do to him, not really.

He raised his shirt over his shoulders, his tanned body glorious under the rays of the midday sun.

She blushed when she saw her marks on him, purple and red blotches adorning his chest.

 _God, I'm an animal._

"A beautiful one." _Mine._ The low baritone tone of his voice made her quiver.

She didn't even rebel against the proprietary word. She **was** his; utterly. It should have bothered her, but again the gentle smolder of the bond was too enticing.

He stripped himself quickly of his pants, standing completely naked in front of her before jumping into the water, a predatory look on his face.

Her lips parted and she drew a quick breath. _What are you doing?_

A playful smirk appeared on his lips as he answered: _fishing_.

He pulled her towards him with his mind effortlessly, because she let him.

Every fiber of her being longed for his touch again, a scary and disarming fact that she saw reflected in him when his hand grazed the side of her neck and a sigh of relief escaped his lips. She wrapped her legs around him, arms around his neck to rise up to his level, feeling him already hard and ready against her inner thigh.

The drops of water were making her seem translucent under the sun rays, her slender body now exposed to him down to her hips, her nipples pebbled hard because of the relatively cold water. His hot hand pressed against her cold breast, making her whimper, and she arched into him. His other arm encircled her waist, his thumb caressing her lower back. Their eyes connected as she sheathed him avidly, impatient to close any distance left between them.

He cursed at the sudden heat surrounding him, not expecting her to do that just yet.

 _Fuck, you feel so good Rey._ There was no way he was spending another day without doing this.

The ardent, enslaving tether between their minds swelled in exhilaration. They were so attuned to each other, their ragged breathing were in perfect synch, each shallow gasps punctuating the elation they felt at blurring the lines between their souls again, their fogged brain in a trance-like state.

She started to move against him but he grabbed her hips, wanting to control the pace. He could tell she was a bit uncomfortable **there,** because he felt it too.

 _Aren't you a bit sore?_ He asked, concerned.

 _I don't care._

The pain was only mild, and in a way she was grateful for it. It served as an anchor, otherwise she feared she would shatter into a million pieces at the exquisite **completeness**. The coexisting thrill of invading and bliss at being invaded were making her head spin, the lavishness of the emotions threatening to overwhelm her. Nothing could ever compare to that, she was sure.

She tugged on the nape of his neck, letting her fingers brush his wet hair, pulling him into a slow, deliberate kiss.

He grabbed her sides, pushing her up and down his length languidly. She rasped at the sensations this angle created, relishing at the feeling of having him so deep inside of her. The contrast between the molten union of their bodies and the cold water was almost too much. She came hard around him in a manner of minutes, her body insanely responsive to his touch and he lost it too, the sensory overload proving too much to resist.

They could barely hear anything over the sound of their own hearts hammering in their chest when the unmistakable roar of a space engine filled the air. They froze in each other's arms. Rey gazed up at the sky, curious to see if she could catch a glance of the ship.

Ben's sight was riveted on her, and he pulled her into a desperate kiss. She gasped in surprise but kissed him back, both of them indulging in a last second of peace.

They reluctantly separated, hurrying to dry land, putting their clothes on hastily.

She could feel his energy turning from worry to annoyance before finally landing on anger as he cursed: _Shit, I don't have my saber._ The one time he didn't take it with him, there were intruders. _Fuck._

He kicked the ground hard with his boot, making her frown, thinking his bad temper was still forcefully in place.

 _Let's hurry, they are landing near our ship,_ she pressed, a dull ache in her stomach.

He nodded in agreement and tensed up even more, realizing that even though the fight within him had subsided, the war was not over. Not in the least. Their enemies were still lurking, and this ship finding their wreckage was surely no coincidence.

Their gaze met, a choking cloud of worry on both their faces.

She bit her lower lip, trying to find a way to calm him down. _We can totally kick the ass of whatever or whomever is on that ship._

A fugacious smile passed on his lips and he grabbed her hand in response, their fingers intertwining and her heart skipped a beat. They exchanged one last look before letting go of one another, and departing toward camp at a fast pace.

He let her lead through the forest, away from their sanctuary, a hint of sadness in his heart. He didn't fool himself thinking this fragile thing they had just discovered would survive in the real world. They were living in a fantasy, thinking there was a way to cheat his past, his darkness and most importantly his string of wrong choices. Horrible decisions that had left a wake of bodies, tears and bruises in his footsteps. Misplaced allegiances that would now come back to haunt him, that would not rest until all he cared for was obliterated, or until he was dead.

Whoever was on that damn ship, Resistance, First Order or else, it didn't matter. The countdown to the end of their delicate affair had undeniably started, all they had left was borrowed time.

 **Help me  
I've fallen on the inside  
And all the men in cloaks  
Trying to devour my soul**

 **Show me mercy  
From the powers that be  
Show me mercy  
From the gutless and mean  
Show me mercy  
From the killing machines  
Show me mercy  
Can someone rescue me**

 _ **Mercy, Muse**_

 **Coming back from vacation has been harder than I thought, I hope you liked it. It's always hard to find fuel to continue a slow burn fic after the inevitable has happened, question is should I wrap this fic up or do you still want more?**


	15. Unsteady

Knowing the planet as they did, they figured the ship had to land in the same spot they had when they first came, before Rey crashed the ship, and would hike down to the wreck. They decided to take a peek at their visitors from the cover of the forest.

 _If it's the First Order, they'll know it's us right away, we'll need to steal the reconnaissance ship and leave the planet as quickly as possible._ Rey said to Ben, shivering at what the Order would do to them if they were caught; a defector and a prisoner.

She'd seen in Kylo Ren's mind how impossible it was to lie to Snoke, and how his old master rewarded treachery. She knew that Ben couldn't even entertain the idea of going back, and most importantly didn't want to. No, they wouldn't be caught. They would fight and they would win, they just had to. After all, the Force seemed encouraging of them working together.

She really hoped it was a Resistance ship.

Ben already knew two things for sure: no Force sensitive had landed on the planet and the ship was not the Millennium Flacon. He would've sensed the presence of one or both his parents immediately. He was hoping for a third party, but what were the realistic chances of this intrusion being random?

No, it had to be Snoke, he'd finally caught a glimpse of them in the Force, and the reinforcements were probably already on the way to apprehend them.

They were finally close enough to see their ship, and one cautious man holding up a blaster as he walked inch by inch towards the hatch.

Rey's eyes widened as she recognized the form of the man looking about their encampment.

"Finn?" She asked loudly, hoping her eyes weren't playing tricks on her.

The man turned towards her voice. He looked exactly the same, even had the same Resistance coat on.

Finn would've recognized that voice anywhere. "Rey?" The amazement and happiness dripping from the former Stormtrooper voice was thick as he stared hopefully towards the forest.

She left her hiding spot in a hurry, running towards her friend without an ounce of hesitation, not noticing the dark look on Ben's face.

Ben disliked FN-2187 very much, and if he was being honest, it was no longer because he was a traitor. It was because Rey's memory of holding hands with him was still pissing him off. Petty jealousy can be very powerful, he realized, as he stood rigidly in his spot.

Finn had sort of fallen into being a Resistance fighter. He'd had no intention of joining the war against his old employer, but Rey's disappearance had changed everything from him. He couldn't have lived with himself if he'd left for the outer rims like he'd originally planned. Every day he woke up with the haunting thought that he'd failed her, and that if he'd stayed with her at Maz Kanata, she wouldn't have been kidnapped. That's partly why he fought so hard to find her.

His heart filled his ears and he couldn't believe his eyes as Rey emerged from the woods, apparently safe and sound.

"Finn, how in the world are you here?" She asked, a radiant smile on her face.

Finn close the distance between them and hugged her hard. During all these months, he'd hoped against all reason she was alive, and there she was. His heart was beating fast in his chest, he thought he would combust on the spot under the weight of all the things he wanted to say to her.

"Luke Skywalker, the Jedi, we found him, he sent us here, he‒" Finn stopped mid-sentence, startled to see a tall man coming out of the forest.

Rey's heart was hammering, her blood running wild, worried sick her friend would recognize Kylo Ren.

 _He will not,_ Ben's voice in her mind assured her.

Finn looked at Ben and turned to Rey questioningly and she let out a shaky breath.

"Oh, this is— this is Ben, my friend, we escaped together." She stammered a little, especially on the word escape, but it was true in a way, wasn't it?

"Another rogue soldier?" Finn asked hopefully.

"No," Ben almost barked at Finn and Rey threw him cautionary look.

 _Be nice,_ she admonished him.

Finn frowned at the unexpected aggressiveness in the man's voice. Sure, he must have been worried to see a stranger roaming about their encampment but Rey's attitude had made clear that he was a friend.

"No, Ben was a prisoner, like me," Rey added vaguely, trying to defuse the tension building around her. "How are **you** here?" She asked again, trying to distract her friend.

Finn's attention returned to Rey and he spoke quickly, so excited that she was here, alive and healthy he couldn't bring himself to care about anything else. "Luke said he sensed a disturbance in the Force coming from here, and we volunteered to investigate."

"We?" Ben asked pointedly, the presence he felt in the intruding ship vaguely familiar to him.

Finn chuckled, realizing in all this excitement he'd forgotten to tell his friend guarding the ship that he could come out. "Poe! Come here," Finn started yelling in his communicator.

Poe Dameron, the resistance pilot he'd tortured. Ben stiffened at the memory, calculating the chances that the man would recognize him. How was he even alive?

 _This man might recognize me, I tortured him,_ he stated matter-of-factly, trying to hide the pain in his voice.

 _With the mask, right?_ Rey asked, trying to convey as much calm over the bond as she could.

 _Yes,_ Ben winced, the discussion bringing up painful images.

 _You're fine,_ she stated confidently. She remembered how she used to imagine the face behind the mask, and how unlikely the truth was. Poe wouldn't recognize Kylo Ren if Ben managed to relax a little.

 _Try to loosen up, you look way too serious._

Poe walked towards the trio confidently. Finn had talked non-stop about Rey the past couple of months and described her to a T, so it wasn't difficult to put two and two together when he heard his companion gleeful voice over the communicator and saw the tiny woman standing up next to him. He did hesitate however when his eyes met briefly the ones of the tall, imposing man beside her. He had the confusing feeling of dejà vu, but couldn't quite place it.

Finn distracted him however, introducing him to Rey.

"Hi, Rey, I heard so much about you, it's a pleasure to finally meet you," he said charmingly, leaving out the part about believing she was dead.

"Nice to meet you Poe," Rey answered with a smile, still a bit surprised. Finn told her the man died on Jakku. "This is my friend Ben, we escaped together," she explained again, proud at how much more convincing it sounded this time around.

"Hi," Ben managed to croak.

There was an awkward moment immediately following the introductions.

Rey was watching Poe intently for any sign of recognition, thinking how easy it would be to just read his thoughts and know for sure if he was suspecting anything.

Finn was basking in his happiness, Ben was annoyed at the repetitive use of the word 'friend' and Poe was scratching at the slight itch in his mind telling him that something was off, trying to figure out what it was.

Finn was the first one to talk, asking after looking around at the elaborate camp: "God, how long

have you been here?"

Rey's mind reeled, trying to count. They'd been here 7 weeks, after 8 weeks on Starkiller.

"About 3 and a half months now," Rey lied, thinking it would be difficult to explain how she'd been kept alive as a prisoner for so long without talking about Kylo Ren.

 _We need to say we escaped together almost immediately after I disappeared._

Ben nodded imperceptibly.

"You've been here this whole time?" Finn asked, surprised.

Poe interrupted, remembering what Luke Skywalker had said: "Go grab your stuff, we have reason to think the First Order is not far behind us, we already talked too long."

"Right, yes, we can catch up in the ship," Finn agreed, ashamed that in all his excitement, he'd forgotten about Luke's warning not to linger on the planet.

Rey hastily grabbed what was left of their rations, thinking it shouldn't go to waste and grabbed her Jakku inspired clothes, glad she hadn't worn them yesterday, remembering how Ben had torn her clothes away in a single careless motion.

Ben grabbed the most inconspicuous spares of clothes he could find and wrapped his light saber in them, hiding it in a black bag.

He glanced at his discarded mask, laying on the floor in the corner of the room. A pang of pain struck his heart. Not because he was sad to leave it behind, quite the contrary. He'd crossed the line already, he knew this part of his life was over. He'd made his choice when his blade had gone through Hux's heart, even though he hadn't realized it at the time. No, the anguish within him was because he couldn't leave Kylo Ren behind, not really. He would always be him, and his sins wouldn't be erased just because his dusty mask was rusting away for all eternity on an inhabited moon. Rey wasn't seeing things clearly, and he was terrified that she would be jolted back to reality, but he needed her like he needed air, so he couldn't let her leave without him.

Rey came from behind and squeezed his arm.

 _We'll figure it out,_ she promised him.

He just nodded, not wanting to burst the bubble just yet. She sensed his hesitation anyway, his agony tangible over the bond. She stared deep into his eyes, and they both knew what he was thinking, so he decided to be honest with her.

 _There's no place for me where we're going Rey. There's no place for me anywhere now, and Snoke will stop at nothing to destroy us. It's never going to end, not until…_

He was going to say, not until I'm dead but she stopped him, her eyes shooting daggers.

 _Don't talk like that, you're wrong, we can beat him. You, me, the Resistance, we can stop him,_ she said with ferocity, denying his self-pity. 

Ben was shaken once again by her resolve, her bravery, her unbinding confidence in the light. Her fervor calmed his turmoil down, at least for a moment. 

_We can try,_ he admitted, erasing the fierce warrior look on her face with a kiss.

 **Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady  
Hold, hold on, hold onto me  
'Cause I'm a little unsteady  
A little unsteady**

 _ **Unsteady – Xambassador**_

 **Unsteady is actually the song that sparked this whole fic up, my word document is actually titled that, what a great song. This chapter was so different, integrating someone else to the story, with actual out loud dialogue. Please review, it makes a world of difference in my motivation, and thanks to those who already did, they're the reason this fic is continuing on. Elmo13**


	16. Shake it out

**Hey guys, it's been forever, I know. I wish I had a better "excuse" and I can't explain it, but some months I can't stop writing and others it's like I sit in front of my computer for hours and nothing (or at least nothing good) comes out. Believe me, I try, it's just something I can't control. I hope you're still interested in this.**

 **I will just say this, a review brought me back into "writing mode" and I swear they make all the difference so please, PLEASE, leave your comments after, or even just discuss with me this loaded question. I thought it was unlikely but my heart has begun to hope:**

 **Is Reylo canon?**

Rey tried to ignore how she almost had to push Ben up the path to Poe and Finn's ship. She knew her companion wasn't comfortable with the situation, but she sincerely believed she would find a way to make things right. She just had to.

Ben took a deep breath before following Rey inside the Resistance ship, shaking his head at how badly this would end. Poe didn't recognize him, but his parents would. There was no way to ride the Resistance train without being discovered, but he knew he couldn't expect Rey to know that. For all she knew, he hadn't known any of these people before. She had no idea he was the young student that killed Luke's padawans. He'd intentionally avoided to mention the crucial truth of his lineage. The blood on his hands was thicker than she imagined, and somehow he knew she wouldn't be able to hide the horror on her face if he admitted the truth. What if she went back to being disgusted by him? She'd been waiting all her life for her family while he'd destroyed his.

They stepped aboard. A round droid with orange markings was waiting next to the ramp, and greeted Rey with a slur of happy chirps and beeps.

"Nice to see you too BB8," she smiled in earnest at the little droid.

It considered Ben. The little droid's head went to one side, then the other before turning to Rey in hesitation.

"This is Ben, he's my friend," she explained, squeezing Ben's arm again in reassurance. BB8 seemed to think it was enough for him and greeted Ben too.

 _Is that the annoying droid I chased through the galaxy?_

 _Shut up and be nice,_ she scowled him before a teasing smile spread across her lips. _Besides, you know you were really chasing me._

His eyebrows raised up in surprise that she could joke so easily right now.

It's not as if they had actually talked about anything, or resolved anything. They'd just crashed into each other like lost stars, the tether between their souls irresistible. There was so much more involved now, not just the struggle between light and dark, but the politics too. He'd chosen to commit to the light in her, the incredible power of their bond in the Force, but not the Resistance.

He didn't think it could ever work out, not if he didn't want to be subjected to the resentment and anger of all the soldiers and soldiers' families he'd been an instrument in killing. He didn't know if he would ever be able — or even wanted— to face his parents again. Probably not.

For Rey, it was different, he figured she was happy right now. She wanted the Resistance at least as much as she wanted him, he was sure of it. His head was spinning under the weight of it all, and he felt like he would implode any second.

Rey let her bag fall to the floor, and started looking around the ship. It was bigger than she expected, with a cockpit, a refresher, a small area with seats and a table, engine room and 2 rooms in the back. Clearly meant for long missions or— the idea struck her— taking someone prisoner.

Finn greeted them, making sure they had everything seconds before the ship lifted up into the air. Poe was antsy to leave, her friend explained.

Ben took one look at Finn and groaned inwardly, he could tell the man was buzzing with enthusiasm, ready to submerge them with questions again. He was so on edge, he was sure he would bite Finn's head off, so he excused himself: "I haven't taken a proper shower in ages."

He spoke gruffly, heading toward the refresher without waiting for an answer. It felt really weird to have to talk out loud again, the words exchanged on the planet almost always spoken through the bond. His mouth was dry and his throat itched like the muscles in his vocal cords were sore.

Finn was still bursting with glee. He was happy to have Rey all to himself, Poe piloting the ship and her friend out of earshot.

"Oh I can't wait to see their faces," he exclaimed.

"Whose faces?" Rey asked, confused.

"Han, Chewy, even General Organa. She's the leader of the Resistance. She's so cool Rey, but even she didn't believe me when I insisted you were still alive," he said too fast, not caring about anything else right now than the elation of being with Rey again.

Rey couldn't help but smile at her friend's apparent joy. "You met the leader of the Resistance? When?"

Finn's eyes suddenly narrowed and his tone was dead serious when he said: "When you were captured by that monster, I saw it Rey, I saw it all. I wanted so badly to storm Starkiller Base and save you, but they wouldn't let me. They practically had to tie me down, I'm not exaggerating." He paused meaningfully, wanting her to know how much staying put for so long had cost him. "They made me wait forever, and when it was finally time, we searched for you for hours before blowing it up, but we couldn't find any trace of you. That's when this droid, R2D2 came to life with the rest of the map to Luke Skywalker."

Rey desperately tried to absorb all this information. "Wait, wait, you said you blew up Starkiller base?" She needed more time to gather her thoughts.

"We did, it was going to fire again, on us this time. But we couldn't find anything, even the slightest reference to you in their computer. I've been on the hunt ever since for the man that took you, because I could feel it in my bones Rey, I knew you were still alive. I figured he'd taken you somewhere else, but really I was just grasping, because why would he keep you alive for so long?"

Finn was freakishly right about it all and Rey's heart pounded in her chest.

"Did you find him?" She squeaked, guilt tearing her heart apart. She just couldn't admit it to Finn, not yet, not when Ben was so jittery. She was terrified he would bolt at the first sign of trouble, unsure yet if she would follow him. Her soul was already entwined with his, she didn't think she could let him go, she also didn't want to betray her beliefs and her friends.

"No, he vanished too, the General said he was probably with Snoke, completing his training or whatever. Snoke is the big bad guy by the way," Finn explained before finally asking: "What happened to you?"

She could tell he was more focused now, the haze of happiness slowly wearing off, and she prayed that her explanation would sound believable. "I- We escaped, me and Ben." She tried to leave it as vague as possible.

"But how? When?"

Damn Finn! She took a deep breath.

"They kept me alive at first because I'd seen the map, and Ben broke me out when he escaped," she said, broadcasting the conversation towards Ben so he'd say the same thing if asked.

"Why was Ben in there?" Finn asked, curious.

 _Yes Rey, why was I in there? This is fascinating,_ Ben asked sarcastically.

"That's really his story to tell."

 _Running low on lies, Rey?_ He mocked her.

 _Shut up_. What the hell did he expect her to say? The truth?

A hint of anger must have shone through her previously relaxed features because Finn picked up on it.

"Of course, I'm sorry, I'm drowning you in questions, but are you really ok?" Finn said apologetically, mistaking her annoyance at Ben for reluctance to talk about what she'd endured. He wanted her to open up to him. "I mean, the knight of **Ren** who held you captive, Poe had some dealings of his own with him, hemust have tortured you too," Finn said gravely, hoping she wouldn't keep all that bottled up inside, but at the same time cursing himself for pressuring her. He had to be patient, he'd only just got her back.

Rey considered the ramifications of his question, feeling more and more uneasy.

"Just a little," she insisted dismissively as Ben wickedly conjured up the image of her moaning underneath him as he entered her, a fierce blush coloring her cheeks at the vision.

 _I tortured you good…_ Ben taunted.

 _Stop it._

"God, Rey," Finn choked up, tears glistening in his eyes. Poe had told him all about the Knight of Ren raping his mind, and he couldn't bear the thought of Rey being in the same situation for days if not weeks.

She closed her eyes to try and steady her pulse. "I'm okay, I promise, let's talk about something else."

There was a long, pregnant pause between them until Finn appeared to accept her rebuttal.

"Your friend. He looks anxious," Finn noted questioningly, thinking if he couldn't refrain himself from asking questions, he could at least deflect them to a less painful subject.

Ben snorted in Rey's mind mumbling: _That's an understatement._ She finally shoved him out to silence him, needing to concentrate on Finn, feeling a mind-numbing migraine rising.

"He's just a bit wary of strangers, took him a long time to warm up to me," she stated, the guilt and shame basically the size of a supernova at her growing mountain of lies.

"But he treated you well?"

The question gnawed at her heart, a flood of unwanted memories rising up to the surface. Her capture, her cell, her desperation, his violent heart and volatile behavior preceding the blossom —for lack of a better word— of the bond. His darkness was all-consuming back then, she'd almost forgotten. _I almost let myself forget_ , she admitted inwardly. With a frown she remembered he used to be the shadow killing her each night in her dreams.

A demon dressed in black.

A lonely man.

A dark soul.

A lost heart.

A murderer.

A saviour.

He was all of that, and more; yet she yearned for him all the same, so what did that make her?

She noticed Finn's eyes were growing dark at her hesitation and broke out of her trance.

"Yes, I wouldn't have survived without him," she answered vehemently, thinking at least that wasn't a lie.

"Then I'll be very nice to him," Finn smiled.

"Thanks," she tried to form a smile on her lips but it looked more like a tired grimace.

She felt Ben tugging on the link but refused him. _I need to clear my thoughts,_ she groaned inwardly, the constant lying stinging her heart, a hint of insecurity clouding her mind and she was certain she had to hide even the tiniest hint of doubt from _Ben_ ; from _Kylo Ren_. She had to be the level-headed one, the kind one, the patient one and the pressure was immense. Somehow, she had to make all this _work._

He'd changed, right? She closed her eyes, thinking back to _their_ connection, _their_ history, the ghost of his kiss on her lips, and even though her head was getting in the way, her heart knew where it stood. She'd fallen, it was pointless to wonder if she should have jumped in the first place, but why did it feel so _wrong_?

 **Regrets collect like old friends  
Here to relive your darkest moments  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
And all of the ghouls come out to play**

 **And every demon wants his pound of flesh  
But I like to keep some things to myself  
I like to keep my issues drawn  
It's always darkest before the dawn**

 **And I've been a fool and I've been blind  
I can never leave the past behind  
I can see no way, I can see no way  
I'm always dragging that horse around**

 **Shake it out, Florence and the machine**

 **Please review! Elmo13**


	17. Strange Love

**Hi guys. I know it's been a while, but I've been writing an actual novel, so it's been hard to navigate two worlds at once. I hope I can finish this fic before the next movie, and I really hope we'll get a lot of Rey and Kylo Ren in The Last Jedi.**

She was shutting him out. He'd feared this, he knew it was bound to happen. He deserved no better and festered in his bitter thoughts for the better part of the day. He was a traitor to both camps, stuck in the space in between, belonging nowhere. Snoke wouldn't rest until he was dead, and the Resistance would probably execute him too. Hi only real option was to flee _. I should have stayed on that moon. There's nowhere to hide now, and she'll hate me forever for abandoning her._

Ben was sulking in the corner of the engine room for hours while Rey talked to Finn and Poe, wanting to know every detail of the destruction of Starkiller Base. She had awful memories of that place and was unapologetically gleeful about its destruction. She laughed and joked around with the two Resistance fighters, grateful for the distraction.

Hours passed, and Poe started yawning profusely. Finn explained they hadn't slept at all the night before. Rey insisted they get some sleep, knowing they still had hours to wait before reaching D'Qar. Both men agreed and disappeared into their respective quarters. After a quick trip to the refresher she was surprised not to find Ben sitting in the same spot as he had all day. She had been looking forward to a moment alone with him.

She tugged on the link and frowned, her senses tingling with anxiousness. The energy rolling off him was all wrong, a taste of bitterness lacing it, and she hurried to the bridge.

He was standing in front of the console, his back to her, as the deep black void of space framed him.

"Not trusting me with the ship?" He barked at her and her eyes widened at the unmerited aggression in his voice. The shroud of darkness hovering around him casted a heavy shadow over the bond. A darkness she hadn't felt in quite a while. Her pulse quickened, and her first instinct was to rebel against his anger, but she forced herself to stay calm.

 _What? What's up with you? Why were you so sullen all day?_ She walked to him. She needed to see his face, look into his eyes.

"I'm sorry if I don't fit in well with Resistance fighters," he said, refusing to meet her gaze as she planted herself next to him. She could feel him resisting the tether, speaking aloud to distance himself. She reached gently for his shoulder, but he recoiled from her touch.

Rey's patience turned into annoyance. _No, don't do this. I won't let you._

He acted as if she was talking crazy when he answered, "Do what?"

She grabbed his arms, her fingers grasping him as she angled his body towards her. His gaze flew to her hand, and his breath caught in his throat.

 _Look at me,_ she insisted.

He finally met her stare. His eyes were guarded and distant instead of the flurry of raw emotions they usually were. She concentrated hard, directing every ounce of power she had at this new wall. _Let me in_ , she growled.

She knew she was being hypocritical, she'd done the same to him earlier, but she wasn't the one with homicidal tendencies. They stood in silence for agonizing seconds as they defied each other again, the familiar drumming of their minds fighting one another echoing at their temples. Their chest heaved as he resisted her, unwilling to let go of his defenses. They seemed to be at an impasse when his sight travelled down to her lips for the most fleeting moment before he held her gaze again. A small smirk appeared on her face. She'd won.

Poe got up to use the refresher when he heard some moving around on the bridge and a sharp cry. His spine tensed in alarm, thinking maybe something had happened while he was asleep, but as he walked closer to the source of the noise, the half hushed moans and pants were self-explanatory. Curiosity got the better of him, and he couldn't resist stealing a glance.

Rey was sitting on the console, Ben was half naked, standing between her legs, his hand grasping her sides. They were kissing, locked in a passionate embrace.

Poe wasn't surprised, not really.

He'd sort of sensed her embarrassment when she'd explained her relationship to the tall mysterious man she'd met on Starkiller base.

Poe suspected Finn had more than friendly feelings for the lost girl he'd talked about so much, and knew he would probably be crushed to learn she was into someone else. He stared at the scene for a couple of seconds, the impression that he had forgotten something important nagging at his brain again.

He finally turned away, thinking this was none of his business, and rejoined his quarter, but not before Rey felt him.

She froze in Ben's arms, and her temper flared. Her eyes sharpened into an accusatory scowl as she sensed her lover had been aware of Poe's presence way before she had. She planted her hands firmly on his chest and pushed him away, forcing him to take a step back.

He glowered back at her, the anger still hot in his blood. He had to supress the urge to grab her and claim her mouth again.

 _You knew he was watching, you wanted him to see,_ she said, almost daring him to deny it.

Ben's tone was unapologetic, a dangerous edge licking his words as he answered, _you are ashamed of me._

Rey sobered up as the coldness crept back into his heart. She could almost see his resentment and anguish reforming the shield around his mind.

 _No,_ she insisted, knowing despite her confusion that it wasn't true.

 _What then?_ He asked, not convinced.

The reason for her sudden embarrassment eluded her. _I don't know, I—_

She didn't want to care about what Finn and Poe thought, but the nagging voice in her head reminded her that she'd created a distance between them by not admitting to their relationship. She'd distanced herself from him all day as if he was just a chance encounter, or a stranger she'd been stuck with.

 _You're ashamed of yourself,_ he realized, able to taste the emotion prickling the tether. _Will you disown me, if they figure out who I am?_ His jaw tightened in anger as he caught a glimpse of her thoughts.

The disoriented mass of emotions bouncing between them suddenly came to a standstill.

 _No, never._ Rey grabbed a fist of his hair and forcing him down for a demanding kiss. No, she would never do that. If he was discovered, she would try to reason with Finn. She trusted him implicitly to be on her side on this, given where he came from. If that wasn't enough, they'd have to run away. She halted the kiss, the realization hitting her hard.

She would choose him over her friends if I came to it. In a heartbeat. His anger evaporated when the blazing honesty of her statement pulsed over the bond.

He pushed her flush against him, his heart hammering at the wave of loyalty engulfing him.

He was selfish, abrupt, and unstable with a dangerous propensity for self-sabotage, but she still wanted him. He couldn't figure out why. He grabbed her tighter, hoping to erase himself and drown in her.

They kissed, and Rey tugged roughly at his dark waves, his fingers burying in her sides hard enough to leave a mark. He grabbed one side of her neck with his large hand and kissed the other side without mercy. She moaned as he licked and bit her soft skin.

He felt the maddening urge to mark her, brand her as his, and leave no doubt in anyone's mind that she belonged to him.

He wanted everyone, and especially FN-2187, to see.

Heat pooled between her legs as his hard length pressed against her hip bone, raw need coursing through her veins. She pushed her hips into him, grinding against his erection, and he hissed out loud.

 _Careful Rey._

She held his intent gaze and raked against him again. He didn't need the bond to interpret the fire burning deep in her eyes.

 _A minute ago you were embarrassed that he saw us kiss and now you want to have sex?_

 _I can be pretty quiet, I'm sure._

 _Is that a bet?_ He asked with a wolfish grin before he swung her around, her back to him.

She wondered what the hell he was doing when he pushed her closer to the wall, trapping her with his body.

He detached her sash and let it fall to the ground before his palms seeped beneath the fabric of her pants to lower them, caressing her ass in the process. The fabric pooled around her knees, and she shimmered out of it as she heard him fumbled with his own sash. _Yes_ , she thought, dripping with desire. The anticipation boiled her blood.

She arched her back as she grabbed her hips and pulled her ass towards him, impatient to bury himself inside of her again. She put both hands on the wall in front of her for balance, excited to try this new angle.

He entered her in one swift motion, and she bit her lips hard not to cry out. He waited a second to let her adjust to his size before he started to move inside her.

Her walls pulsed around him at every thrust.

His hand snaked around her waist to find her opening, and he pressed a finger against her sensitive bud, making her jerk against him.

She whimpered, desperate for release. _Please._

 _Tell me what you want._

 _Fuck me harder._

 _My girl likes it rough._

He felt her pleasure when he hit the right spot, and allowed himself to take her hard and fast.

They came apart together as a quick, scorching pleasure ripped through them both.

As the haze of his orgasm lifted, he placed a soft kiss on the nape of her neck and nuzzled her hair.

She was batting her eyelashes not to cry.

God, had he been too rough?

She turned to face him. _Why did you just fuck me like it was the last time?_ _I heard it, you were thinking it might be our last time._

 _I told you. I have no place with your friends Rey, with the Resistance. I fought against them for years._

 _And I said you're wrong._ She placed a slow, open mouthed kiss on his lips, trying to make him understand. _You know we have more power together than apart. We could really help people._

Ben shook his head. _I can't help anybody. Hell, I couldn't even help myself. I'm not going to sit on my hands while your friends bring us to the Resistance's base Rey. I just can't._

The ship's alarm tore through the silence, and they barely had enough time to get dressed before Finn and Poe erupted on the bridge.

Rey looked at the computer, cursing the timing.

"We have company," she declared.

There'll be times  
When my crimes  
Will seem almost unforgivable  
I give in to sin  
Because you have to make this life livable

But when you think I've had enough  
From your sea of love  
I'll take more than another river full  
Yes, and I'll make it all worthwhile  
I'll make your heart smile

Strangelove  
Strange highs and strange lows  
Strangelove  
That's how my love goes  
Strangelove  
Will you give it to me?

Will you take the pain  
I will give to you?  
Again and again  
And will you return it?

 **Strangelove – Depeche Mode**

 **I hope you liked this chapter.**

 **Till next time.**

 **Elmo13**


	18. Absolution

**Thank you for being along for this long, long ride. This fic has run its course, and I'm happy to say The Last Jedi sparked an idea and that I'll be posting a new Reylo fic soon.**

 **Follow me on twitter anyajcosgrove**

 **They said we were crazy**

 **They said we were trash.**

 **They called it abuse, or, worst yet, incest.**

 **They refused to see the truth.**

 **The war is over.**

 **We won.**

 **Reylo is canon.**

Rey grabbed the commands and tried to alter their course, but the ship wasn't responding. "They put a magnetic beam on us. They're going to board the ship."

"It's the First Order," Poe yelled as he tried to make sense of the various beeps coming from the console.

Ben stared into space, extending his mind to see into the incoming ship. "No."

Poe craned his neck around and arched a suspicious brow. "How do you know?"

Rey watched the sensors in front of her. "They're ignoring my hails. It's a big freighter. Most likely pirates."

"What should we do?" Finn asked.

Poe handed each of his companion a gun and motioned for them to follow him to the ship's hatch. "We fight."

Finn and Poe took cover behind a console on the right, while Rey mirrored their move on the left.

Ben stood in plain sight as the whizzes and clicks of the enemies' efforts to hack their latch open echoed around them. He pursed his lips in disgust at the blaster in his hands. Blasters were imprecise and unreliable. They also reminded him of his father.

Rey met his eyes and frowned. _Don't even think about it._

 _It's already done, I'm not risking our lives to spare your friend's feelings_. His lightsaber, safely hidden at the bottom of his bag, ripped through the fabric and flew into his hand, igniting exactly as the ship's latch opened.

Four heavily armed aliens, dressed like a band of dangerous smugglers or slave traders would be, fired instinctively at the sight of the eerie weapon. Laser blasts echoed through the air from both sides, the red blade catching the strays, and the first wave of intruders was soon lying on the floor, dead.

Poe was still processing what he was seeing when a guttural scream tore his throat and bile invaded his mouth. He pointed his blaster to Ben who whipped around to face the resistance pilot with a defensive stance, backing toward the doorway leading to the other ship.

Rey put herself between the two men and held out her hands, hoping to deescalate the situation. A flurry of shocked and angry beeps came from BB8 as the droid rolled angrily towards Ben.

Finn couldn't believe what he was seeing, all he knew was Poe was now pointing his blaster at Rey, and that had to change. "Poe I'm with you man, believe me, but let Rey speak before you do something stupid."

"She kissed him," Poe hissed.

"What?" Disbelief couldn't even begin to describe the expression on Finn's face.

"I saw them, last night, groping each other like teenagers. She's not to be trusted. This is a trap."

"Rey?"

Rey shook her head and pleaded Finn with her eyes. "It's not a trap. It's complicated."

Finn motioned to the opened hatch. "Can we uncomplicate things before more of them come?"

Ben's low voice made Poe's fingers blanch around his blaster. "They weren't expecting trouble, probably thought we were Republic merchants. It'll be easy enough to take control of the ship and turn off the beam."

"He's right," Poe acknowledged begrudgingly.

"Stay here and guard the ship. We'll shut off the beam." Ben backed away and disappeared from view.

Rey pressed her fingers briefly to Finn's arm. "I'll explain, after." She turned on her heels and followed Ben into the freighter.

They encountered little resistance as they moved as one through the dirty vessel towards the bridge. When Ben caught a well-aimed blast an instant before it ripped through her skin and beheaded the captain, Rey regarded the red lightsaber with interest.

 _I need one of those._

A grin tugged at the corner of Ben's mouth. The prospect of teaching Rey to duel filled him with heat and longing. He grazed her arms from her shoulders to her hands. "Let's leave now, you and me."

"What about Finn?"

"We'll disable the beam. We'll be long gone by the time they reach D'Qar."

Rey's hand shook as she pulled Ben down for a languid kiss. Her heart was torn, but she'd already decided. "Okay."

Ben's eyes widened in surprise, and Poe's voice thundered from behind them.

"I knew it!"

"Calm down, both of you, please." She sighed. "I know this is a lot to take on, but this isn't a trap, we were really stuck on that planet, and…"

"You fucked? That's not a favorable argument Rey.

Rey's lips thinned. "I'm not liking your friend, Finn. What can I say to make you believe me?" she asked, turning all her attention to her friend, discerning that Poe had personal history with Kylo Ren and probably wouldn't be swayed. Finn would understand, she was sure of it, after all, he'd worked for the wrong side too. Okay, not on this scale, but he had to try to understand.

Poe threw her a pair of cuffs. "You can start by putting handcuffs on him, while we figure things out."

She crouched down to pick them up.

 _Do it._

 _Yeah?_

 _It'll calm them._

She shadowed Ben every step of the way as Poe forced him back into their ship and sat him down in one of the rooms. She did not trust Poe at all.

"What now?" She asked Finn.

Finn and Poe exchanged a pointed look. "Give us a second to talk it through," Finn said.

The two men closed the door behind them and retreated to the front of the ship.

 _They locked the door,_ Ben murmured through the link.

Half an hour passed, and Rey's jitters multiplied. _It's taking too long._

A deep frown twisted her face when she heard the ship land, and her anxiety was only heightened by Ben's haunted face. The unruly energy around him thrashed as if he'd been plunged in boiling water, and a cold sweat gathered on his forehead.

Poe marched in, his blaster pointed at Ben. "Get up."

Rey jumped to her feet. "Where are we?"

Finn placed himself between the two as Poe motioned for Ben to walk forward.

They had landed in a desert, the bright light of the sun assaulting her irises as the hatch opened. "Keep her here." Poe said to both his friend and his droid. BB8 looked utterly confused. He trusted both Rey and Poe entirely.

Poe motioned for Ben to get off the ship with his weapon, and Ben obeyed.

Finn's hand closed on her upper arm. "It's for the best, Rey." His quiet, determined voice curdled her blood. The Force whispered to her what they had planned.

"No. You can't."

 _Rey, calm down._ Ben said through the tether.

 _They're delivering you to Luke Skywalker._

 _I know, it's okay._

 _How can you say that? Do you really think he'll let you live?_

 _Do you think I couldn't break free if I wanted to?_

 _Why aren't you?_

 _This is how it has to be._

 _But why?_

With a forceful shrug, she freed her right arm and planted a mean hook into Finn's unsuspecting face. BB8 let her pass. She ran off the ship, closing the distance between her and Ben, discerning as she got closer to a second ship the form of her lover kneeling on the ground, Poe holding a blaster to his neck as a hooded figure watched over the scene. She threw herself in front of Ben.

"Please, stop, give me a chance to explain."

Finn came up behind her. "I'm sorry, she's confused."

"Shut up, Finn," Rey spat.

Luke was no longer looking at them or hearing them. He was staring deep in the eyes of someone he thought he'd lost forever.

"There's nothing to explain," the resonant voice of Luke Skywalker echoed through the dunes.

His strained words contrasted with his relaxed stance. Rey frowned as the Jedi considered Ben the way only a long-estranged friend does.

Luke spoke through the Force _. You've come back._

 _I have. I know what you have to do, I know what the price of my sins is._

Luke had never seen Ben Solo so at peace as his old apprentice knelt in front of him in atonement, expecting him to be his judge, jury and executioner. Ben's Force signature, in the past so unruly and unpredictable, was anchored through the girl.

Anchored into the light.

Luke suspected his nephew couldn't even begin to fathom how changed he was. A lonely tear of joy reflected in the eyes of the old Jedi, as he couldn't control his emotions completely at the miracle he was witnessing. _Sins cannot be paid for. They have to be redeemed._

Ben's throat tightened. _Maybe_ _ **you**_ _can forgive me, but nobody else will._

 _You do not get to decide what others can or cannot forgive._

 _What if I can't? What if I fall back to the darkness?_

 _Doing the right thing is the most difficult thing in the galaxy, Ben. We are all afraid to fail._

Luke took everyone watching the quiet scene by surprise as he said, "Drop your weapons, the girl is right, Kylo Ren is already dead."

Poe and Finn looked at each other, unsure, but relented and dropped their weapons.

 _Ben Solo lives,_ Luke whispered into the Force.

Rey heard it. She heard it very well.

"Wait! What?"

 _Ben_ _ **SOLO?**_ _Are you fucking kidding me?!_

Her surprise mingled with anger over the bond, and Ben knew he was in deep trouble.

The End

My past has tasted bitter for years now,  
So I wield an iron fist  
Grace is just weakness  
Or so I've been told.  
I've been cold, I've been merciless  
But the blood on my hands scares me to death  
Maybe I'm waking up today 

I'll be good, I'll be good  
And I'll love the world, like I should  
Yeah, I'll be good, I'll be good  
For all of the times that I never could.


End file.
